Questioning your sexuality is more than just a phase

BWe don’t live in a world where sexuality is widely accepted as something that can change, bend, or even be questioned in private. The cultural assumption is often that people are straight unless told otherwise. And if they’re not straight, then they fit neatly into one of the letters of the LGBTQIA+ acronym for life. It’s an unhappy bind that can cause tension for anyone who doesn’t fully identify with heterosexual or homosexual desires, or who finds their sexual desires fluctuating.

Contrary to popular belief, the “Q” in “LGBTQIA+” is not just a reference to “queer.” It also draws attention to those of us who are “doubting.” Anyone who is unsure of how to categorize their sexuality may fall under the umbrella of “doubting.” In fact, these individuals may have difficulty reconciling their desires and inclinations with the label they primarily identify with. This uncertainty can cause anxiety in the person experiencing it, as well as in potential partners who may want definitive answers before entering into a sexual or romantic relationship with them. Doubting is seen as a brief stopover on the road to “figuring it all out.” It is not seen as “real.”

We don’t know what to do with people who are in the process of figuring out what feels sexually authentic to them. It just feels too messy and confusing. But if we acknowledged the complicated nature of sexuality and its variability and change, we would all have more freedom to discover who our authentic sexual selves are. Questioning is more than just a phase—it’s a practice and identity that’s more widespread than we’d like to admit.

Sexual orientation is more than the binary distinction between heterosexual and homosexual. But it was not until the publication of Alfred Kinsey’s groundbreaking work in 1948, Sexual behavior in men, that there is an explanation for the range between heterosexuality and homosexuality. The Kinsey Scale was the first measure of heterosexuality to homosexuality, with many gradations in between. The idea of ​​a scale or spectrum of sexual orientation with a score from 0 to 6 made it possible to categorize people over time. A Kinsey score of “2,” for example, referred to someone who was predominantly heterosexual and, as the scale called it, “just incidentally homosexual.” The term “accidentally homosexual” referred to the practice or to feelings or thoughts. The range of 2 to 5 on the Kinsey Scale is the area that perhaps raises the most doubt, because there is no completely clear connection between one’s attraction and one’s sexual partners.

Despite this range of sexual orientation, we don’t give space to those who have doubts. For example, for people who have only had heterosexual relationships and want to explore other desires, going into LGBTQIA+ spaces can feel intrusive or wrong. On the other hand, people who haven’t been 100% heterosexual, especially men, can face judgement from heterosexual partners who feel they can hide or suppress their true desires. But sexuality is more complex. Our thoughts and behaviors may not always align. People may be attracted to erotica or porn that depicts sex that differs from their own sexual experiences, or have strong fantasies that are jarring because of the gender of the people involved. People may identify as heterosexual but have romantic crushes on people of the same gender. We may call it a “bromance” or “friend crush,” but that can sometimes have sexual undertones too. Or people may refer to times when they had partners who didn’t match their sexual orientation as “experimenting.” All of these incredibly common experiences show that we would all do better to recognize questions as meaningful and helpful in developing a more comprehensive picture of our sexuality.

The questions are not limited to sexual orientation. They can also cover gender identity and gender expression. Throughout life, people may experience an incongruence between their biological sex and how they feel inside or want to be seen by others. It can take time to find a gender identity that works for you, and this may also change as new knowledge develops and a person’s sense of self evolves. With so many ways to describe gender identity and expression, it’s understandable that it can take some time to figure out what makes the most sense for each individual.

Doubts can also arise when people are thinking about how they want to enter into relationships. People may question monogamy or whether they are asexual or aromantic. They may need to try different types of relationships to find what is right for them. Identifying as a doubter can be helpful when dating and entering into different types of relationships. It signals to potential partners that you are exploring and don’t have any set ideals about relationships at the moment. This can take the pressure off of dating as a whole and help set realistic expectations for the people you date. There are so many people who have doubts but feel pressured to say they are looking for a long-term relationship or something casual when they really don’t know what would work for them. It’s much better to say it right at the beginning and minimize confusion or hurt feelings.

Read more: Gender changes with age. We should accept that

The process of questioning is not linear and can occur throughout a person’s life. Having worked with many doubting clients, I know how important it is to claim questioning as an identity for people who are deeply engaged in figuring out what they find attractive and what their needs are in a relationship. I’ve seen my clients embrace saying “I don’t know” rather than feeling embarrassed or ashamed when asked what they’re looking for. And I’ve seen them connect with other people who also doubt and want support and connection as they figure out who they are.

Asking questions doesn’t have to be stressful or anxiety-inducing. We naturally question what and who we like, how we want to be treated, and what kind of relationships and communities we want to build. People exploring their sexuality deserve the space to do so, no matter how long it takes or what the outcome is. Because sexuality can change and surprise so often, it’s important to acknowledge questioning as an authentic experience – for others and for ourselves.