Sarah’s husband raped her. Then he told her to get over it.

Content warning: This post is about sexual assault.

When Sarah* met Andy*, she immediately put him in the friend zone. But that wasn’t the case with him. He was very interested and made sure they spent as much time together as possible, often meeting during their lunch breaks.

“By the time I realised I had feelings for him, he had already friendzoned me. So things got a bit awkward until we spent one night at a bar dancing around on the dance floor. After that, our relationship progressed very quickly.”

In the beginning, the relationship was great. They were both career-oriented and hardworking, had active social lives and shared a love of travel.

“After we got married in 2005, we waited a few years to have children. I didn’t want to get pregnant until I was 30. But when we finally decided to have a baby, it came very quickly – three babies in 3.5 years.”

Watch: Why educating people about consent is not enough. Article continues after the video.

Life got very hectic very quickly and although they both loved their children and their lives, cracks began to appear.

“I was either at home with the children or working part-time. The entire burden of the mental and physical stress of raising the children and running the household was on me.

“He was always up and gone in the morning before the children and I woke up, and he rarely came home before the children were all bathed, fed and put to bed for the night.”

An ominous turn of events.

Over time, Sarah decided to get her life back on track. She underwent bariatric surgery and felt better than she had in a long time. “I felt like I was the old person again, confident and full of life.”

It was only after celebrating a friend’s 40th birthday that everything changed forever.

“We both drank, it was a great party and, especially for me, it was a nice feeling to be out and about. When we got home from the party, neither of us was particularly drunk.”

They began having consensual sex, changing positions.

“He made it clear he wanted anal sex by poking me with his penis. I clearly said ‘no’ and pulled back twice. The third time I said ‘That’s not going to happen, stop.’

“That’s when I felt his fingertips grab my hips and he was inside me, thrusting hard and aggressively, pushing me down to hold me tight. I screamed and immediately the tears came, I pulled as far away from him as I could.

“I finally got up, ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I was in pain, I was in shock, I was confused.”

At that moment, Sarah knew that her husband had raped her.

“I could feel his fingers digging into me and his behavior becoming more aggressive. He didn’t even come into the bathroom to check on me.”

When she finally returned to the bed, Andy was curled up in a corner and was obviously trying to sleep.

“What the hell was that?” Sarah screamed at him. “I said no three times.”

“I’ll never forget his response: ‘Well, I thought if I just do it anyway, you might like it.'”

Physical and mental torture.

In the days that followed, Sarah was furious. She could barely look at her husband or speak to him. He just carried on as if nothing had happened.

“I was crying constantly and looking back now, I think it was a case of instant hatred for him and what he had done.

“Then the gaslighting started. It was like this was his only way to justify his actions. He would say things like, ‘I apologized, right?’, ‘What else can I do, I apologized?’, ‘Are you still mad about this?’ and even ‘How long are you going to hold this against me?’.”

For a while, Sarah repressed her feelings and put on a brave face at her husband’s 40th birthday party. To protect him, she kept her experiences a secret from friends and family, leaving her isolated and alone.

“I was just in limbo. I didn’t want to end my marriage, but I also couldn’t stand him being around me. I was angry that he had put me in this position, like it was now up to me to fix things and move on – basically forgive, shut up, move on and accept it.”

But Sarah couldn’t accept it. It tortured her mind and she wanted to talk about it endlessly. But Andy didn’t want to. He never wanted to talk about it and when she tried, he just rolled his eyes.

“He would show his utter contempt if reminded that what he had committed was marital rape or sexual assault.

“In his eyes, he was a ‘good guy’ who had made a mistake, and now he was the victim because I couldn’t let it go. He never denied what had happened, he just expected me to accept it and move on.”

Sarah stayed with Andy for three more years, and during that time she could “probably count on one hand” the number of intimate moments they spent together.

“This also became a sore spot in our marriage. He wanted sex and I wanted him to be as far away from me as possible in an intimate sense.”

Over the course of three years, Sarah knew what had happened was not right, but she kept asking herself the same questions.

We’re married, so is this rape? Would our friends think this was rape? Am I exaggerating? Why am I even thinking about this? Is it really such a big deal?

Even Sarah’s own father told her to “get over it” and move on.

“I sought counselling for my own mental health, I went back on antidepressants and had to insist on marriage counselling, which he only agreed to once the threat that I might end the marriage was clear.”

As time went on, things got worse. Andy started taking drugs and Sarah knew it was time to leave.

A long road to recovery.

Although Sarah left her husband and found happiness with three children, a fulfilling career and her own home, she lives with the scars of her husband’s rape.

“My mental health has suffered. I was told I have post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of the assault, and I have been in ongoing therapy and on medication since then. I have gained back most of the weight I lost from emotional eating after the assault, but also from the end of my marriage. I feel a lot of guilt because I was the one who ended the marriage, and I resent him for pushing me to the point where I had to do it.”

Sarah shares her story to encourage other women in similar situations to recognize their experience for what it was and do something about it.

“For me, there is no justice in this case. I am convinced that there are many other women who have gone through similar situations and I know how isolated and lonely it can feel.

“People don’t know how to react to someone when something like this happens. This can make victims feel like the rape is something to be tolerated and that their trauma is not legitimate or serious enough.”

Given the alarming levels of male violence against women, Sarah wants to make it clear to all women that these seemingly isolated acts of violence are not minor offenses.

“What seem like minor acts of violence, like my situation, are still real, still painful, still traumatizing, and I worry that the men in our lives continue to think that this is OK.

“Men don’t have to kill women to be considered part of the problem.”

Healing is an ongoing process.

“Even though we’re divorced now, he still manages to make me feel like I’m on top of the world, happy and strong, but then totally worthless. That’s what I’m working on now.”

Sarah is forced to maintain contact with her ex-husband, with whom she co-parents their children, but she says it has given her freedom to know that she made the difficult decision to live her truth.

“I listened to my heart and knew I had no choice (but to end my marriage). I’m proud of myself.”

*Names have been changed.

If this has caused problems for you or you simply feel you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault and domestic and family violence advice service.

Cover photo: Getty.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families to move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to provide life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission, you can Donate here.