My boyfriend almost had a threesome during our break – Chicago Tribune

Dear Anna,

Hi, I recently found out that during our break my boyfriend had conversations with a gay man who offered him a threesome with him and a hot girl. I also know that my boyfriend is into trans women who have not had surgery but has never slept with one. At least that’s what he says.

I don’t know what to do with this information, and I’m overwhelmed with fear that he might be gay. The threesome didn’t happen, but the thought that he around it hurts me so much. Please tell me what you think and what you would do. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I’m honestly scared that he’s cheating on me with other men because, well, I don’t have a penis. Thank you. — Boyfriend is fascinated by gays, unclear, yes

Dear BIGUY,

First, take a deep breath. It’s okay to feel confused and anxious about a situation you’ve never experienced before.

It sounds like your boyfriend has been exploring conversations and thoughts that are outside of your comfort zone or expectations. Sure, finding out that your boyfriend wanted to have a threesome with two men is outside the boundaries that many straight women set for their relationships.

(And if I must say, trans women are women, regardless of what changes they choose to make to their bodies. Your boyfriend’s attraction to trans women does not make him gay.)

My question is, why does the idea of ​​an almost threesome hurt you so much? How can a consensual almost experience that might have led to him interacting with a gay man—but maybe not!—lead to a fear that he’ll cheat on you and leave you for a man? There are so many steps missing between the first and second parts of that sentence.

Many straight men have (or want) MMF threesomes—Zendaya literally just starred in a movie about it (I admittedly only saw the trailer, but the point is clear!)—and just as a straight woman can have an FFM threesome without it affecting her sexual identity, a guy can have an MMF threesome and still identify as straight.

In fact, according to research by Dr. Ryan Scoats, who somehow has a “PhD in threesomes,” MMF pairings are “more normal” than FFM pairings, “partly because it can be harder to find partners for an FFM threesome than an MMF threesome.”

TL;DR: Your boyfriend’s inclinations and curiosities do not automatically define his sexual orientation. However, it is entirely possible that he is bisexual or has a wider range of inclinations than is allowed within the very limited framework of heterosexuality. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. (More on that below.)

(And if I must say, bisexuality means being attracted to more than one gender. not mean someone is more likely to be unfaithful. Infidelity is about trust and boundaries within your relationship, not about what gender someone finds attractive.)

I would suggest the following:

Talk openly with your boyfriend. Share your feelings and fears without accusing him or making assumptions. Tell him how his almost threesome proposal made you feel, what insecurities it caused you, and ask him to share his perspective and reassure you that you are enough for him. While you are at it, tell him some your also fantasies. Remember, it’s about understanding each other better.

Then do a boundary check. Talk about what you feel comfortable with and not feel comfortable and try to listen to each other without bias. Mutual respect and understanding will help both of you to feel more secure.

If it Are Any trust issues you left out of your letter should be addressed directly now. But if you don’t and your boyfriend reassures you of his affection, take that to heart. If you’re still having trouble, consider seeking the help of a therapist to work through these complex feelings together.

Remember that many people fantasize, wonder about, or want to actively explore different aspects of their sexuality, and this does not diminish their love or devotion to their partner. It is important to distinguish between his sexual curiosity and his feelings for you.

The fact that your boyfriend is exploring his sexuality doesn’t mean he loves you any less or that he’s doomed to be unfaithful to you. What matters most is the trust, communication and respect you build together.

Stay strong and remember that love is about understanding and growing together.

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