You just found out your teen is having sex. Now what?

Recently I received a call from a friend who had seen messages on her daughter’s phone that indicated that the teenager was seeing a boy from her school, and my friend wanted some advice.

As a health and sex educator (and mother of three children), I get calls like this from time to time.

In this case, my friend had several concerns. She was worried about her daughter’s physical and emotional situation. She was worried that she had never heard of this boy before. And she was afraid to bring up the subject because she had been secretly looking at her child’s phone.

I suggested that she first admit that she was snooping. Children have a right to privacy, but if parents want to maintain trust and open communication in the future, It is important to acknowledge that they have checked their child’s device and to allow them to be upset about the boundary being crossed.

But what about my friend’s other concerns? Teen sex is a topic of much discussion, so separating fact from fiction can be helpful for any parent navigating this area.

The big picture

Contrary to what many people think, teenagers generally less sexually active than before the COVID-19 pandemic. And they are certainly having less sex than teenagers did when most of us parents were still in high school.

The decline in teenage sexual activity has been known since at least the 1990s. In recent years, several factors have contributed to this trend. The rise of technology, which serves as both entertainment and a social outlet, has played a significant role. In addition, the ongoing impact of the COVID-19 lockdowns has led to a general Decline in personal interactions among friends. Economic concerns Infant mortality has also been found to be a factor that delays many behaviors in early adulthood (including sex, but also obtaining a driver’s license, starting a first job, and moving out of the home).

A more hopeful part of the puzzle, in my view, is the fact that we increased awareness and education around issues of consent and personal boundaries, which increasingly encourage teens to withdraw from sexual situations in which they are uncomfortable or unprepared.

This awareness has also led to a shift in what is considered acceptable in some communities. For example, a teenager I teach recently told me that he and his male friends do not drink at parties and would not consider hitting on a girl who had been drinking. But generally, this is not always the case. According to the latest Survey on risk behavior among young people from the Centers for Disease Control and PreventionAbout 20% of young people said they had drunk alcohol or taken drugs before their last sexual experience. In addition, sexual violence remains reality for far too many teenagers of all genders.

It is also important for adults to understand that sexual intimacy is a developmentally appropriate and positive experience for older teenagers with caring partners, American adolescents face numerous obstacles on the path to optimal sexual health.

ThisThese include “lack of access to vital sexual health services, lack of comprehensive sex education curricula and programs, stigma around sexually transmitted disease (STI) prevention, testing and treatment, and lack of support from trusted, caring adults,” says Jerrica Davis, senior manager at the Healthy Teen Network, which aims to support young people in areas such as sexual health, pregnancy and parenting.

In fact, many countries with similar social and economic profiles to the United States have comparable rates of teenage sexual activity but lower rates of teenage pregnancy and infection.

How to become a questioning adult

Some parents mistakenly assume that they are trusting, caring adults when it comes to sex. Ana Ramos, who runs a bilingual organization called Sex talks in the familywarns parents not to expect their teenagers to initiate discussions and emphasizes the need for ongoing dialogue.

“Don’t expect your teen to come to you and ask for sex,” Ramos said. “And don’t expect to have everything sorted out after one conversation.”

Communication doesn’t always have to be in the form of a conversation. “You can share books about sex with your teen and exchange articles or videos that are appropriate for their age,” Ramos said.

A slightly more novel idea? “You can text your kids about these topics,” Ramos said. Although most of us text our teens nonstop, the idea of ​​texting about something serious can make parents hesitant. But if texting is the best way to connect with your teen, it’s a much better idea than giving up on the conversation altogether.

Michelle Hope Slaybaugh of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the USA (SIECUS) also believes that adults need to be aware of the role that technology plays in young people’s sexual experiences.

“Sexual activity doesn’t only happen in person, so you have to talk about cyber safety,” Slaybaugh said. “When it comes to harassment, some of the unsafest places for young children are online.”

Adults should also assess the environment they create at home. Consider whether you have ever made derogatory comments about sexually active teens or casually blamed the victim of sexual violence by saying something like, “Well, what did they expect after (insert any number of behaviors here).”

And if you’re not queer yourself, have you made it clear to your teen that you support LGBTQ+ youth—possibly your own? The tone you use will have a big impact on whether your child feels safe and comfortable seeking your advice or sharing their concerns with you.

What to do if your child is sexually active?

Whether your child initiates a discussion about sex beforehand or you only become aware of the situation after the fact, be careful how you approach the conversation.

“Don’t react, but respond,” says Mackenzie Piper, who designs and leads trainings for the Healthy Teen Network. “It is normal for parents/caregivers to experience a heightened emotional response when they first learn that their young person is sexually active. … However, reactions based on fear or anger are not a recipe for productive, safe or trust-building conversations.”

At the same time, parents and guardians can create a welcoming atmosphere for teens to spend time with their partners at home. This can help you keep an eye on your child, and it’s a great way to get to know the people in their life. If possible, consider talking to the parents or guardians of your teen’s partner to discuss how you feel about things like sleepovers, curfews, and ground rules.

You should also watch for concerning behaviors in your teen’s relationship, such as constant demands for control, attempts to limit social interactions outside of their partner, or expectations of access to their partner’s device. These behaviors can easily be normalized, but are warning signs of unhealthy relationships.

Parents should also be practical. If a young person is having sex that could lead to pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease, they may need your support to get things like contraception or make doctor’s appointments. Adult caregivers need to understand the political landscape where they live and be familiar with the legal age of consent, abortion laws, and policies on minors’ access to health care.

Ideally, adults and teens would have discussed sexual health long before a young person begins sexual activity. In my friend’s case, some of these conversations had already taken place, but she had felt excluded from her daughter’s increasingly private life. Once my friend admitted to the phone theft and acknowledged that her daughter’s anger was justified, they were able to have a conversation that made her feel much better and opened the door to more productive conversations in the future.

Related…