Why women leave men for other women.

Three years ago I left my boyfriend to be with another woman.

We had tried an open relationship at the time, and after experimenting with women in my twenties, I was curious to put my toe back in the water.

Shortly after setting up my Tinder profile, I found a match with Samantha, a 33-year-old fly-in-fly-out miner with no pictures but an interesting bio that compelled me to swipe right.

After exchanging messages for a few hours, I asked her to send me a selfie.

Although I’ve had crushes on women before and thought I’d had crushes on men, the feelings her photo made me feel were unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

So much so that within a few days I ended my relationship with my boyfriend and started dating Samantha.

Our The romance was ultimately short-lived, but it revealed something I didn’t even know was lying inside me: I’m gay.

Today I’m living my best lesbian life with my long-term girlfriend, with whom I share an apartment. However, if I had never met Samantha, I would most likely still be in a straight relationship. This isn’t the binary coming out story we’re used to, but it’s an increasingly common phenomenon.

Watch: Madison Missina on lesbian sex versus straight sex. The post continues after the video.

While just a decade ago there were few examples of women openly dating and marrying women in the media, in recent years several female celebrities have surprised their fans by revealing that they are in a queer relationship having previously worked exclusively with men.

Early 2023, comedian Rebel Wilson announced her engagement to entrepreneur Ramona Agruma, posting on Instagram: “I thought I was looking for a Disney prince… but maybe I really needed a Disney princess all along.”

A few months later, Sell ​​SunsetChrishell Stause has tied the knot with non-binary Australian singer G Flip, whom she began dating shortly after her highly publicized split from her co-star and boss Jason Oppenheim. In an interview with Fashion Of the Halloween event where she met G Flip, Stause famously said, “I definitely still thought I was straight at that party!”

Recently, Australian actress and singer Natalie Bassingthwaighte shared Stellar In the magazine she had found love with another woman after her divorce from her husband Cameron McGlinchey; “I have a beautiful relationship with a woman who makes my heart smile,” Bassingthwaighte confessed.

And One Tree Hill star Sophie Bush revealed in April that she identifies as queer shine Magazine: “I think I always knew that my sexuality existed on a spectrum. Right now I think the word that best defines her is queer.”

“While it may be difficult for some people to imagine being heterosexual for decades when they are actually queer, there are a number of systemic factors that work together to create this reality,” explains the queer creator and self-identified author. “Late Bloomer Lesbian,” Shohreh Davoodi.

Like many late bloomer lesbians (women who come out as gay later in life)., (typically in their 30s, 40s, and beyond), the forced slowdown of the pandemic was the tipping point for Davoodi’s own queer awakening.

“After quarantine started, I read Glennon Doyle’s book Untamedand I realized I was a lesbian,” says Davoodi, who divorced her husband and came out to friends and family in 2021 before meeting her now-fiancée Jessie Roynon.

Published shortly after the start of the pandemic, Untamed chronicles the author’s journey from a decades-long marriage to a man where she felt “trapped” to a vibrant, loving relationship with another woman. And it continues to be a revelation for women who long to explore life on their own.

Although Doyle doesn’t explicitly unpack the construct of compulsory heterosexuality – colloquially referred to as “comphet” – which is the prevailing cultural assumption that women are sexually attracted to men, she implores readers to consider societal pressures and expectations regarding it To “burn” femininity and marriage. “to the ground” to discover yourself.

And that is the crux of what appears to be a new “trend.” Women leave their husbands and boyfriends to pursue same-sex romances.

In reality, sexuality is not a choice and treating it as such is dangerous, as it suggests LGBTQ people can control who they are attracted to or how they experience their gender.

What’s really driving the rise in women abandoning their formerly “straight” identities is a societal shift away from the stigma that once surrounded queerness. Millennials and Gen Zs are the first two generations that have not had to deal with the criminalization of our sexual identities.

We are also the first generation to grow up with ubiquitous access to information that allows for scrutiny and investigation challenge social norms.

Although the term “compulsory heterosexuality” first appeared in a feminist essay in 1980, it wasn’t until the pandemic that queer TikTok users entered the mainstream conversation came across an anonymous Tumblr post titled “Am I lesbian?‘, written by a young woman who explains how ‘comphet’ had misled her into thinking she was heterosexual.

The online document quickly spread on TikTok and has since helped thousands of women uncover their queerness. Although it was not written by an academic or expert, his distinction between “a desire to be attractive to men,” which is described as something instilled in women by heteronormative culture, and “a physical attraction to men” was most noted most praised “The Lesbian Master Doctor”.

After my whirlwind lesbian romance with Samantha, I searched the Internet for answers about how I managed to believe I was heterosexual for so long, and finally ended up at Master Doc, where I realized I hadn’t been confused for decades I mean the desire to be wanted by men with sexual attraction.

Listen to HER with Sophie Cachia, where Sophie and Allira talk candidly about sex, what dating after marriage looks like and why lesbians move so quickly. The post continues after the audio recording.

But for some women who have recently come to the conclusion that they are queer, men aren’t entirely excluded from the list. Although these women are still attracted to men, many avoid dating them. Our increased economic and social mobility means that we are no longer subject to the same financial and social pressures to find a husband as previous generations.

“Women are increasingly selective…They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share their values,” writes psychologist Gregory Matos in “What’s behind the rise of lonely, single men?‘

“The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love and requires all the skills that families still don’t consistently teach little boys,” adds Matos.

And these skills usually characterize women. To put it simply, the old joke “Treat your girlfriend well or a lesbian will” holds water.

Add to this the fact that women in heterosexual marriages overwhelmingly do more emotional and domestic labor than their peers (a Pew Research Center study found that this is true even when they work outside the home and earn more than their husbands, during a published in the published report). The Journal of Lesbian Studies shows that gay women share housework equally), as well as the gender orgasm gap (this study confirms that lesbians give women far more orgasms than straight men) and that there are fewer incentives than ever for women to work with men of sexuality.

Over the past three years, I have experienced richer, deeper emotional and sexual connections in my relationships and enjoyed truly equal partnerships that have confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that I am a lesbian.

Of course, not every woman who leaves her boyfriend for another woman is a lesbian – it’s worth noting that none of the prominent women who have recently announced that they are in a queer relationship have identified themselves as lesbian – But all women who break away from the life expected of them and instead seek to, as Doyle calls it, “live with integrity” discover something greater than any romance can offer: themselves.

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Feature image: Instagram.

This article was published in January 2024 and has been updated since then.