Celebrities who could convince me to suspend my campaign

Imagine you are George Clooney.

No, really. Do that to me quickly. It’ll be more fun than anything you’re planning. That cereal bowl you were about to wash doesn’t have the same mischievous sheen as our Clooney abstraction.

OK, so you’re Georgie. You’re an A-list movie star, husband to a brilliant human rights lawyer, and father of twins who speak fluent Italian. At 63, you’re devastatingly handsome, gravelly-voiced, and wry. You have easy sexual chemistry with Julia Roberts. You’re not pressured to get botulinum toxin injected into your face, and you don’t have to worry about elevated levels of metal in tampons, either. You probably have a favorite leathersmith in Positano.

You wake up one morning and decide, “I must nobly liberate democracy from the threat of totalitarian rule.” Just like a normal person grabs a latte at Dunkin’, you decide to hit the pages of the New York Times and ask your buddy, President Joe Biden, to step aside. The Times replies, “Cool, OK.”

Get out of the Clooney skin now, but wait to do the dishes. We still have more to dream about.

Some argue that those pushing for Biden’s replacement are talking to the wrong candidate and that they should tell former President Donald Trump to resign. While this opinion is morally clear, the scenario is impractical. Asking Trump to politely resign is like asking a goldfish to win Olympic gold on the pommel horse. It’s not going to happen.

So Clooney’s comment became a serious talking point, a CNN songwriter, the subject of speculation and insider gossip. Rolling Stone wrote, “Obama knew Clooney would call on Biden to drop out. He didn’t try to stop him.” Slate said, “Unfortunately, George Clooney’s comment was really good.” Trump called Clooney a “fake movie actor,” which is…literally, right?

Whether rightly or wrongly, certain celebrities have an above-average amount of power to draw attention to issues beyond their area of ​​expertise. When Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson contracted COVID-19, for example, the pandemic took on a new dimension of terror. If America’s parents could contract the virus, couldn’t we all?

At this point I would like to stress that celebrities have no place in such dire matters, right? Wrong. If the real stars told me to postpone my theoretical presidential candidacy, Running for office, refinancing my house, or trying out a new espresso machine, I would definitely do that. It’s not healthy, no, but I trust glamorous strangers implacably because I’ve spent decades absorbing pop culture. Stars! They’re just like us!

They don’t have to be the biggest movie icons in the world, either. In my government’s cabinet, I’m primarily following the wisdom of my close confidant David Schwimmer. You read that right: Ross from Friends. Schwimmer was instrumental in pushing for equal pay for his colleagues, so he’s a savvy businessman. He has a reputation for being respectful to women. I would trust him with my drink. If Ross Gellar asked me to withdraw my candidacy, I would.

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Before you nominate Mark Cuban for the next presidential commentary, you should know you’re wrong. As for the Shark Tank panel, I trust the advice of Lori Greiner, the shark who created not only the Scrub Daddy, but the Squatty Potty and the Pizza Cupcake. Come to think of it, I might even take political advice from the Scrub Daddy himself. That’s a tough one.

Suppose I meet Keanu Reeves on a park bench eating an ice cream. If he had any doubts, I would simply not want to Be president. So will Morgan Freeman. Same goes for Jon Hamm, Jon Stewart, Jon Batiste, Jon Bernthal, and possibly Jon Bon Jovi. No Johns with an H. Don’t ask for clarification.

And when Beyoncé, Dolly Parton, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster, Sandra Bullock, Viola Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Paulson, Holland Taylor, Julia Louis Dreyfus, and—yes, OK, let’s include Cardi B—sign a letter expressing concern about my visual acuity, I will thank them and walk out of the Oval Office while the music from “A Star is Born” plays softly. Because when I have learned the truth about my performance from the professional performers themselves, the curtain must fall.

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