We, the people of the United States, allow this one rapist to commit crimes…

Wow, what a super fun week for left-leaning news junkies! You’re probably expecting the next push notification from CNN saying, “You should have had that thing on your back checked out six months ago, oh well; besides, your parents always thought you were a disappointment.”

Been a little gloomy lately, eh? Occasionally? Here and there? All of our already exhausting struggles seem to be getting harder and harder. The good news is that the buffet of blood, toil, tears and sweat is now open 24 hours a day, so that’s nice.

Oh, screw it. Shitty week. There have been a few. And there will be more to come. Rip the band-aid off, I say.

So grab a beer or a joint, maybe a candy bar, anything at least a little bit unhealthy, I don’t know, text an ex you never got over, give in to a dark craving, that’s all I’m saying, you deserve it for sticking around during such shitty times. I mean, don’t do anything that might put you in a Todd Solondz movie, a cupcake or something.

And let us bear witness.

Where should I start?

Oh, right. That.

As you may have heard, everyone’s favorite gang of crooks, theocrats, and sex pests have taken the 6-3 Supreme Court majority that Yertle and Donnie stole on their darkest joyride yet. It turns out that if you’re a celebrity, or at least a president who belongs to the same party as the backers of Clarence Thomas’ lavish lifestyle, you can get all kinds of things taken for granted.

I guess we now officially place off-brand Orbán outside the reach of the law? Okay. That’s certainly… a choice.

I fear that in a restored Turd Reich, not a single West Wing mattress shield would be safe. Not to mention Liz Cheney. Hell, they might even get around to looking under the luchador masks at some point.

Seriously, how many quarters do you have to stick up your damn nose to give Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for adjudicated rapist) a constitutional blank check? He already commits so many crimes, folks.

… well, maybe this will be a lesson to you peasants not to criticize Mrs. Alito’s traitor flags.

The visibly deteriorating moron who absolutely must be granted these limitless criminal powers, by the way, believes that electric airplanes plummet to presumably fiery damnations when the sun doesn’t shine, much like he believes magnets break when they get wet, so we’re obviously going to need some clarification from Chief Justice Roberts and his friends… for example, can he legislate the injection of bleach? Sorry, “disinfectant injection”?

…and somehow it’s about the other person’s cognitive abilities, because life is so fair. While the rapist mentioned above is testing the limits of his newfound impunity. Again, because of all the fairness.

I guess we should be thankful that the sub-par supremacists who would rule over us are still willing to allow a more or less “bloodless” revolution (you libtards don’t need to get worked up about every little hammer attack), but all in all I’d rather have the electoral millstone of the crazy, bogus plans they were stupid enough to write hanging around their moronic Nazi necks.

Frankly, you can hardly blame them for conducting their platform design process behind closed doors. Who wants the lying press around while they copy/paste from Project 2025?

Even the old hand himself is now desperately backing away from this crazy little doctor, mainly because he has spoiled the surprises he had planned for the first day of his dictatorship. “Oh, pay no attention to the legion of lunatics lining up to occupy the concentration camps!”

I don’t know, champ. Honestly, it’s going to be pretty hard to ignore.

Republican candidate for North Carolina governor, “Pastor” Mark Robinson, struck gold with his death cult brand this week, and I’m convinced we’ll be seeing his catchy new campaign slogan, “Some Folks Need Killing,” on many Chinese-made red baseball caps at many uprisings in the future.

“Some people have to be killed.”

On the campaign trail. About the campaign trail. In a damn church, to be exact. As a political proposition, it seems unwise, but I’m sure the Roberts Court would uphold it.

In a desperate attempt to get herself out of the political doghouse, Kristi Noem has launched a weak attack on Vice President Harris, but that dog will not hunt, not in the world of MAGA vice presidency litigation. No, I have to say the governor is… (Dr. Evil points finger) on the wrong track?

Congratulations to Dug Bugman, you’ve finally collected enough points on your Telegroveling rewards card to redeem for your big Politico profile! Of course, the main point is what a servile traitor you’ve become, but you can worry about history’s verdict later, Dug!

Apparently, Indiana Congresswoman Victoria Spartz has faced criminal charges because she couldn’t bear to be separated from her beloved gun for even the duration of a single flight. In Spartz’s line of work, you just never know when you’ll be called upon to assist in the lynching of a disloyal vice president or to fend off the wandering hands of a money-hungry colleague during an otherwise enjoyable evening at a musical.

Forgive me for staring, Britain, I just couldn’t help but stare at your peaceful transfer of power this week. However, once the celebrations are over, I think you might find that some of us are ready to rethink the whole “price of tea” issue and some.

It would be a shame if David Cronenberg didn’t direct the inevitable RFK Jr. biopic. It writes itself: a madman runs a world-destroying spoiler campaign while unsuccessfully battling a skull parasite’s cravings for dog meat. (Or maybe goat meat.) I suppose no one would happen to be willing to pin a sexual harassment allegation or two on the old brainworm?

Amid all this gloom, I hope you took a moment to appreciate the latest wet, squishy splash of Rudy Giuliani’s spectacularly satisfying fall from grace, it was a good one. It’s not every day that traitors get disbarred, you know. I’d drink to that, even if I wasn’t looking for excuses.

…but since that’s me, I might as well toast the pitch-black timing of the nihilistic-narcissistic editorial “Voting Is Like, Dumb n’ Stuff” that the New York Times published this week. Ah, how did we find ourselves in so much shit while the steady hand of our media watchdogs is steering the discourse?

Speaking of which, I guess it’s time for me to take you back to this largely stress-free moment in American history, full of fun and entertaining rumors about the incredible predicament we find ourselves in.

Poor, stupid Kevin McCarthy did his best to blend in with the crowd, but being Kevin McCarthy, he came up with a way to screw it up:

“Once, during one of the many negotiations in which he took everything from me except the fillings in my teeth, Joe Biden offered me a cookie as a sort of consolation prize for reaching the pinnacle of political power only to succumb to my own insurmountable incompetence. Anyway, I should have kept that cookie, I bet the pawn shop down the street would have given me fifty dollars for it.”

Cool story, bro. Were there free cookies at the party after you failed to beat Nancy Mace in her primary? I guess if serial failure was anything to be humbled by, you wouldn’t be a MAGA Republican.

Okay, that’s what I got. I guess we both have to worry about Joe Biden’s age again now, sorry. My own sources tell me the President is gorging himself on Werther’s Originals to stay awake during a 24-hour Murder Is Her Hobby marathon, but thank God I’m just a drunken loudmouth in a bathrobe making up shit to amuse himself.

And that wouldn’t be possible without beer. And beer costs money. You can probably guess where this is going.

…to the tip jar, which I’ve rather mischievously dubbed my BEER FRIDGE (which now accepts Cash App, Venmo, AND PayPal!), as part of my adorable, if gruff, “shower cap” persona. I don’t actually have a drinking problem, I promise, although it’s always nice when someone reaches out and expresses concern. To be honest, I don’t really wear the mask and robe much either, except to church, because I want to be both comfortable and anonymous when figuring out which people need to be killed.

(I also get much-needed validation when someone signs up for the email list at showercapblog.com or follows @john_luzar at House Elon Broke. And it’s all free!)