This is not fake news at all: the Houston Astros are in desperate need of specialized employees

HOUSTON — The American economy is in a period of contradictions. Unemployment regularly hovers between 3.5 and 3.9 percent, which is a good thing to most Rice economists. It’s rare to find a negative report on job losses, and most monthly indicators show job gains. Some industries are desperate for workers and qualified candidates. Yet others continue to cut back. To job seekers and staffing agencies, the modern labor market can seem to target both the rich and the poor. There are jobs that are at a level of desperation.

A concrete example is this advertisement on LinkedIn:

Have you ever dreamed of living the American Dream? Do you want the chance to showcase your talent to tens of thousands of people in person and millions on television and the Internet? Can you excel in high-stress, high-pressure environments… or even if you can’t, have you ever dreamed of doing so? Well, if you can throw a small, spherical object the size of a real baseball, apply now for the following jobs:

Https://linkedin.com/joboffer/mlb/HoustonAstros/dearlordweneedstartingpitcherssofrickinbad/jobapplication/linkedin.com/aspx.

Well, we don’t know if the employee did anything with this, because at Totally Not Fake News, we don’t appreciate employees messing around with their work hours. After immediately liquidating the employee, we officially tagged our search department, whose job it is to actually surf the net and check this link. They did, and it turns out that they also found matching ads on Indeed, Monster.com, USAJobs, and Craigslist.

“One of our employees swore he saw a request on FreeCycle to donate a pitcher,” observed one of the individuals in the “Oppo Research” section.

After making a few requests, we called some numbers, which eventually led us to the management of the Houston Astros.

“Oh, guys. Well, for you, everything is fine. Our pitching staff is doing well and we don’t need to resort to desperate tactics or job-wanted ads. We’re doing well, everything is fine here. How are you?”

Well, we weren’t really convinced by that answer, so using some of our Oppo researchers, some calls were made to the same offices, where the tone was very different:

“Oh, thanks (Deity Deleted)!!! Are you left or right handed? Actually, it doesn’t matter. Just come to our office, bring a glove and we can probably get you a uniform and a start date in the rotation in the next few days.”

While the Astros won’t publicly acknowledge their pitching needs, it would be hard to hide the dire situation the team finds itself in, especially for starting pitchers. Urquidy and Javier are out until at least mid-2025, Garcia and McCullers could be back by late summer. Verlander is injured again, France is injured, and top prospect Bloss was only able to give the team 4 innings before leaving the league. Even Valdez had arm issues at one point.

“Maybe Crane should have paid that voodoo priestess in full. Sure, we have a winning home record now, but the starting pitcher attrition… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Angels were so right when they used all their draft picks on pitchers a few years ago. Speaking of which, I think we’re going to try to put them on the line…” noted another anonymous personnel officer working in the personnel office.

When asked if it was possible to recruit more starting pitchers from AAA, the staffer laughed and went back to lamenting the state of the team’s pitching.

“My goodness, we were in a desperate situation with pitchers. I wish we had kept (1B Jose) Abreu. Sure, he was a total pain, and despite Bagwell’s insistence that he would improve with a few more development sessions, Abreu couldn’t get above .200 without some creative math and the latest version of the AI. Still, maybe we could have given him to someone gullible and gotten a pitcher or two. (Expletive Deleted), he could have given us a few innings.”

With the trade deadline approaching and the Astros getting back into legitimate contention, they will likely be a major player in the pitching market. Still, there will be competition.

“It’s no secret that we don’t exactly have the deepest farm system in the game right now,” the same staffer noted. “Yes, we’re down 4-5 starting pitchers, but so are other teams. Take Baltimore. They just lost three starting pitchers for the year, they’re in a competition with the Cashmans (ED Note: We’re talking about the Yankees, but apparently the Astros’ front office staff calls them the Cashmans, per Crane’s advice.), and they are FULL of prospects. They have infielders to exploit, and they can get any player we want unless we get creative.

“You might want to be careful out there,” noted another anonymous staffer who entered the interview area. “Remember what happened to (NAME REDACTED PENDING NOTIFICATION OF NEXT OF RELATIVE). Well, he was trying to brainstorm ideas on how we could outbid the other teams. Unfortunately, I think (NAME REDACTED) just watched the latest issue of SI Swimsuit. He started thinking that maybe, instead of a prospect, one or two GMs would take a signed autograph from Kate Upton. Apparently, (NAME REDACTED) brainstormed out loud. It got to the point where he proposed sending over one of our limited OF prospects and the promise that Kate would sign a body part of her choice while doing a live rendition of the Dougie.”

When asked what was wrong, the second staffer noted, “It was right around the time (Justin) Verlander walked by. I heard the guy babbling and decided to investigate. And by ‘investigate,’ I mean scream at (NAME REDACTED)’s head with a hammer and a machete. Of course, the screaming brought in (general manager Dana) Brown, who was all upset that Verlander could potentially hurt his arm, but seemed appeased when Verlander told him he was using his non-throwing arm.”

We continued wondering how it all happened. “Well, you see, that’s where Verlander hurt his neck. Just as Verlander was about to finish cutting off the head and placing it on a pike to warn the others, one of the office phones rang, startling him, which resulted in a torn muscle. Another trip to the IR.”

We reached out to Verlander to confirm the story, but did not hear back. However, we did speak with some of the injured pitchers. For the sake of brevity, we won’t include the full transcripts here, but some of the comments ranged from “I can’t wait to get back on the field…I just hope they’re patient with the rehab.” to discouragement, to a comment attributed to McCullers, who noted that he told the guys not to think of it as an “injury,” but “paid sick leave.” “You get paid and you don’t have to do anything.” McCullers apparently told France and Ortega as they prepared for their upcoming season-ending surgeries.

But that didn’t solve the pitching problems. In addition to the trade market, the staff found other methods. Sources said the team wanted to set up a “throwing cage,” so fans could test their arms and see how fast they could throw. Anyone who brought a glove, or even showed good accuracy throwing concession stands, was called in for a visit. It seemed to go well at one point, but then nearly 75 percent of those lucky fans reported elbow soreness, and Crane pulled the plug.

“I had not yet set the rebate rate for Tommy John/UCL repairs. I am still trying to make up the $75 million shortfall from the Space City TV deal,” the original staffer observed.

So the search for new starters continues. While they may be out of the playoffs, that may not last. Depth will be crucial. How they go about getting that depth… well, as we’ve seen before at Totally Not Fake News, the Astros will likely use any means necessary to get what they need. Hopefully, it won’t involve too many additional injuries.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We apologize for the writing issues with this article, but we are down to our fourth writer. The other three main writers have all suffered arm injuries (elbow, UCL, carpal tunnel, etc.). Luckily, they have the services of our latest sponsor, and the Astros’: Dr. Arms-R-Us. Dr. Arms-R-Us, for all your arm/elbow/UCL problems. We are now offering a new special, come in for a UCL repair, get a free shoulder/prostate/rectal exam. Dr. Arms-R-Us, now the official sponsor of the Houston Astros UCL repairs and Totally Not Fake News.