In a terrible accident, my boyfriend’s penis was altered. Just the sight of it makes me cringe.

“How to Do It” is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I, 32 years old, am in a long-term monogamous relationship with my boyfriend, 34 years old. He recently had an accident.

Part of his penis had to be amputated. He’s spent most of a year recovering, but recently stated that he wants to have sex again. This is awful of me, but I don’t actually want to. I’m a visual guy and I can’t look at his penis anymore without automatically thinking of something similar happening to mine and cringing. It’s just an uncomfortable feeling. It’s also crazy though, because he’s the one who’s lost a piece of himself, but it seems to affect me much more than him. I feel really awful about all of this and can’t really open up to him. But I also don’t know how to deal with the second-hand trauma. I’d love to be in a situation where we have sex again, but I don’t know how to make that happen anymore.

—Partial penis problems

Rich Juzwiak: I’d like to start by saying that I don’t think this reaction is over the top. It’s unfortunate, of course, and the reason he wrote to an advice column, but vicarious trauma is real and people react to trauma differently. There may be some irony in this situation that the person who didn’t have it happen to them is more affected, but I don’t think that’s crazy. This is something that changed your life too, so I think our author should first of all not be so hard on himself. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. It’s a difficult situation.

Jessica Stoya: This reminds me of the concept of concentric circles of grief. In the middle is the person who has the real problem. Around them is a first circle of family, another of very close friends, and so on. The people in the circles around the affected person are also affected by the grief – but the rings indicate the direction in which one should vent one’s grief or express one’s feelings. So it’s perfectly fine to have feelings in response to something a loved one is going through. The difference between useful and not useful is where you take those feelings. You don’t take them to the person who has to deal with the issue. You take them to a slightly larger circle of trusted friends or the friendly neighborhood advice giver.

Rich: Or a therapist. I would assume the boyfriend has gone to therapy because he lost part of his penis. I think in that case it would be just as useful if the partner went to therapy, but I don’t feel like he has. I mean, that’s a really big thing, especially for a visual gay man, to deal with. I don’t think anyone would expect you to go through that alone. So the grief, everything, the process that people go through with an amputation, you go through that too and you need help. You’re not going to come out of that issue cured. That’s the beginning.

Jessica: Besides, I don’t know if it’s that weird or even personal to automatically think of something similar happening to you and cringe. A few months ago, someone convinced me to sharpen my knives. He said it was safer to cook with sharp knives. And before I knew it, I was cutting up a zucchini and cutting my thumbnail.

Rich: I was there.

Jessica: I told someone about it and it looked like the person was about to throw up. They turned pale and winced and said, “I feel vivid physical empathy.” So I’m going to be careful what stories I tell that person in the future. And secondly, I’ve never met anyone who feels such intense physical discomfort. But it’s a real thing and it’s not about you, it’s just part of your personality as someone who has an extreme imagination.

Rich: Yes. I feel like I’ve had that kind of instinctive empathy. But recently – maybe this is just part of getting older – I would say it’s a lot less than it used to be. I think it’s maybe a matter of getting used to it and understanding that bodies are different and some people have amputations and things like that. Ultimately, this is a relatively new change in that person’s life and I would say, especially if you’re invested in the relationship, they might need some time

You have to invest more time to get used to it. I think that’s one of those things that we experience a lot in this column too, in a lot of different ways. It’s like, this all seems really scary until it happens, and then you do it and you realize, oh, it’s totally cool. We can have sex in a new way and everything’s OK. So it’s scary to get to that point, but getting over it can be really healing.

Jessica: If they don’t have immediate access to therapy, there may be a local group for partners of people who have had amputations that the friend’s treatment team might be aware of. It’s worth asking.

Rich: I think it’s a great idea. The Amputee Coalition has links to 400 registered support groups. This is a very special case. When we think of amputees, we generally think of people who have lost a limb. But even so, it’s probably better to surround yourself with people who have coped in other ways, because I would assume that the coping and healing process is similar despite the physical situation.

Jessica: A lot of things that have to do with sex have a lot to do with other areas of life too. Because of the way that Western and Eastern European culture separate sex from everything else, we tend to think, Oh, that’s a sex thing, that’s why it’s in this special silo. But the reality is probably that talking to other people whose partners have been amputated can provide some insight and some relief.

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