The rise of voluntary celibacy

Celibacy is often viewed as the act of avoiding sexual relations for religious reasons, to remain “pure” or to have more time for God. However, in recent times, the decision to be celibate for a short or long period of time has become a more popular practice without any religious connotations.

The movement has taken off on social media, with people and celebrities sharing publicly every day why they are abstaining from sex. Actress and “It Girl” Julia Fox told TV host Andy Cohen that the decision to be abstinent for over two years was a way for her to regain control after the repeal of the Sexual Abuse Act. roe v. Wade.

Musician Lenny Kravitz told the Guardian that he has not had a relationship for nine years and has chosen celibacy for spiritual reasons.

Beyond these specific reasons, voluntary abstinence is increasingly seen as a way to regain control over one’s sexual autonomy, reconnect with oneself, and take the time to discover what forms of intimacy are truly beneficial to oneself and one’s emotional well-being.

Why voluntary celibacy is trending

While the impact of social media and celebrities sharing their voluntary celibacy may contribute to the popularity of this form of celibacy, some research shows that more and more people are having less sex in recent years.

According to the General Social Survey 2021, conducted by researchers at
According to the University of Chicago, men and women ages 18 to 34 are having much less sex today than they did in 2008. The survey found that over 20 percent of men under 35 said they had not had sex in the past year, and 19 percent of women said so, compared to 8 and 7 percent, respectively, in 2008.

The same is true for adolescents. A 2021 study found that more adolescents reported not engaging in sexual activity, whether they had a partner or not. Between 2009 and 2018, sexual abstinence increased from 28.8% to 44.2% among men and from 49.5% to 74% among women.

Reasons for the decision to remain celibate

In addition to religious or spiritual reasons for choosing celibacy, says New York sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Incredibly Good Sex in a
Long lasting relationshipsays there is a trend among heterosexual women who are discouraged and upset by their relationships with men.

“Whether it’s their male partners’ excessive need for care, their limited ability to bond sexually, or the emotional labor required to deal with their male partner’s emotional limitations, many women are simply relieved to have the whole thing behind them,” he says.

Because many women tend to over-function in relationships, according to Snyder, they end up neglecting
her own needs. “Sometimes a woman who is single realizes that she can think about her own needs for the first time. Of course, she wants to keep that up for a while before having to deal with the needs of a partner again.”

People who describe themselves as having “out-of-control sexual behavior” can sometimes benefit from a period of no sex during which they can learn other ways to regulate their emotions, Snyder says.

He explains that sexual desire can feel like a “drive” similar to hunger or thirst.

“However, if you don’t satisfy hunger and thirst, they only get stronger. Sexual desire is not like that. It’s more like an emotion that, if you don’t act on it, tends to dissipate and make way for other emotions,” says Snyder. “That can be important for people, and a period of abstinence can sometimes be a good way to learn it.”

For people who identify as asexual, meaning they have little or no sexual attraction to others, sexual activity may not be a priority or desire, leading them to adopt a celibate lifestyle, says Amie Leadingham, a certified relationship counselor.

Movements related to celibacy

The following movements refer to celibacy.

4B movement

The 4B movement launched in Korea in recent years: bihon, bichulsan, biyeonae, bisekseu, stands for the rejection of heterosexual marriage, childbearing, romance and sexual relationships.

In an article in Journal of Gender Studiesthe authors state that the 4B movement “includes not only criticism of and protests against the pro-natalist turn in state policy, but also various forms of self-help discussions and practices that are explicitly oriented towards the individual future of women.”

Boys’ Boss

“Boysober,” a term coined by influencer and comedian Hope Woodard, refers to giving up dating and sex to focus on self-care.

“Dating someone on a regular basis can be emotionally exhausting, especially when the relationship doesn’t go as expected,” says Leadingham.

Some people choose celibacy to avoid the dating world and heal, reevaluate their priorities, and work on themselves without the emotional distractions of dating.

After suffering from dating fatigue for years, Leadingham took a “Boysober” break – from dating apps, communicating with her exes, one-night stands, situationships and dating – and practiced abstinence for five months to focus on herself.

“I was exhausted from all the emotional games of dating and online dating,” she says. “During this time, I was able to take a step back from the dating world and work on my personal development.”

She focused on creating a space where she could heal, reevaluate her priorities, and work on herself without the distractions or pressures of a romantic relationship.

“This process helped me get in touch with myself and boosted my self-esteem because I stopped sleeping with the wrong partners and feeling terrible when they stopped contacting me,” says Leadingham.

During those five months, she became more conscious and purposeful about who and what she let into her life. “When I finally had confidence, I started dating again because I knew exactly what I wanted. Within a few months, I met the love of my life,” she says.

Strategies for accepting a celibate lifestyle

If you are ready to try celibacy or are already celibate, the following tips can help you embrace this lifestyle.

Get involved in charity work

“Twelve-step communities work on this principle: You help others while working on yourself. Plus, you feel connected to the community and a ‘higher power,’ which can help you feel less lonely and isolated,” says Snyder.

Prioritize self-care

Many people report that during a period of celibacy, they are able to focus on their own needs without the distraction of caring for a partner, says Snyder. Think about meditation, exercise, meal planning, sleep, and other activities and pursuits that bring you joy, meaning, and growth.

Practice non-sexual intimacy

It is possible to build deep relationships with others without having sex. Leadingham recommends quality time and undivided attention through meaningful conversations, physical touch through holding hands or hugging, helpfulness, thoughtful gift-giving, words of affirmation, shared activities and hobbies, emotional vulnerability where both partners are seen and heard, and consistent support through life’s ups and downs.

“The key is to focus on the other person and what makes them feel uniquely loved, seen and appreciated,” she says.

Surround yourself with a support system

Spend time with people who support and respect your decision, and rely on them when you need encouragement. “If no one around you understands your decision, you don’t need their approval,” says Leadingham. “Search online for celibacy support groups in your area to find like-minded people. Most of all, trust that you are on a unique journey that
the right thing for you.”

Stand up for your choice

When faced with societal pressure or criticism of celibacy, Ledingham says you should stick to your beliefs and use this as an opportunity to share your point of view openly and honestly.

“Choosing a life of celibacy can be a brave and meaningful decision, but it is not always an easy path. It is understandable that you will face challenges and moments of doubt along the way. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself.”

Keep in mind

With celibacy becoming more and more popular due to celebrities and the like, there are various reasons why people choose this lifestyle. If you decide to try celibacy for a period of time, there are ways to make it easier.