Parents need to address the issue of sexual asphyxiation with their teens now.

Add sexual strangulation to the list of things you’d rather never talk about with your teen, but probably should.

In this practice, known as “choking,” during heterosexual encounters, one partner (usually a man) places his hands around the throat of his partner (usually a woman) and squeezes, thereby restricting the flow of blood or air.

Sexual choking is no longer a practice reserved for adults with strong inclinations.

Debby Herbenick, a professor at Indiana University and a leading researcher in the field of sexual behavior, surveyed about 5,000 students at a large Midwestern university and found that two-thirds of the women had been choked during sex, according to an excellent opinion piece by Peggy Orenstein in the New York Times.

That this dangerous behavior – choking is never safe – has suddenly become mainstream should be of concern to anyone with a young person in their life. Sexual norms have been shaped by the wide availability of certain types of explicit pornography among minors, pornography that is often based on male fantasy and misogyny. Young people who are just becoming sexually active, whether they have seen explicit videos or not, may come to believe that this is realistic, expected or desired.

Videos on social media promoting a “safe” approach are of no help, even though there is increasing evidence that even a brief interruption of blood supply to the brain can cause permanent damage.

While some women say they enjoy being choked, others say they do it mainly to please their sexual partner, according to another study led by Herbenick.

This leads me to believe that even when consensual sex is involved, with the focus on male gratification and young women being harmed in the process, it has become so normalized that some women do not question why they are consensually engaging in it. The average age at which women are first choked or choke someone else is 19, with women and members of gender minorities being significantly more likely to be victims, according to Herbenick’s findings.

I wanted to know how a trusted youth health counselor would approach this topic, so I called Haven Davis, a Minneapolis health educator who has taught sex education at Southwest High School. Her state-funded work has allowed her to have meaningful conversations with teens during school office hours over the years.

First, some context: Davis reminded me that sexual activity among teens has declined over the past decade; the 2022 Minnesota Student Survey shows that only 29% of 11th graders reported ever having had sex.

Nevertheless, when reading studies on choking attacks in young people, she notes that the trend lines are “frighteningly high.”

Davis said she first heard about young people engaging in sexual choking about four or five years ago in an anonymous survey. One student asked Davis, “What should I do if a girl asks me to choke her?” she recalls. “It’s definitely something that young people think about and notice. The question for me is: How did it make the leap from an activity that’s seen as more extreme to a behavior that young people are normalizing?”

She says that not only are health educators trying to get ahead of this disturbing trend, but parents and other caring adults also play a big role.

Davis made some suggestions to these adults:

• First, try to have a conversation that leads to further communication and connection. How can you make this person in your life talk to you? Let them know you won’t judge them for their choices. For people experiencing sexual abuse, having a trusted adult by their side is a “powerful protective factor,” Davis said.

• It’s OK to state your values ​​about sexual health and your expectations for healthy sexual interaction. Break down rigid gender stereotypes like male dominance and coercion by women. Talk about consent and the importance of setting boundaries early and often. You can address the tendency to gag and say, “I don’t think this is OK. What do you think?”

• Present them with accurate, science-based information. Researchers are increasingly finding links between choking and cognitive impairment and poorer mental health. Strangulation can cause brain damage. It is not enough to tell children not to do certain behaviors without explaining the reasons behind them.

And last but not least, don’t worry if you’re not sure what to say.

“Many adults start these conversations thinking, ‘I need to have all the answers,'” Davis said. “But you can have really great conversations if you just start with, ‘What do you think about this?'”

Many teenagers today think that gagging is normal. But as adults, we can help change the norm and make young people feel safer – with every conversation.