What is asexuality? Definition, myths and facts according to experts

Keith Huntington Derrick remembers watching an episode of House Doctor about 10 years ago in which a character was diagnosed and treated for asexuality. In the past, some doctors treated asexual people as if they had a mental illness. Thanks to the efforts of asexual people, that has recently changed.

He found the portrayal of asexuality in the episode in which Huntington Derrick was first introduced to the concept to be negative. “It kind of colored my perception of it,” the 40-year-old from Atlanta tells TODAY.com.

But it inspired him to explore asexuality and eventually realize that he identifies with it.

“It raised some questions in me because for a good three decades of my life I forced myself into relationships I didn’t want and did things I didn’t really want to do because it was normal. I felt obligated to do those things and then I felt broken,” he recalls.

Eventually, Huntington Derrick decided to reach out to the asexual community and explore asexuality. “I didn’t know it was OK to be who I was,” he says.

What is asexuality?

“(Asexuality is) a sexuality, a sexual orientation for people who have no or very low sexual attraction,” KJ Cerankowski, associate professor of comparative American studies, gender, sexuality and feminist studies at Oberlin College, tells TODAY.com. “People also think of asexuality as a spectrum.”

This means that some asexual people never experience sexual attraction and have no interest in sexual relationships. Others may experience sexual attraction at certain times in their lives, but because this condition “is not consistent” for them, they may still identify as asexual, Cerankowski says.

“This definition (of asexuality) is always negative, a deficiency,” he says. “That’s why it’s important for me to add that asexuality is also about a different way of organizing your life in terms of relationships, kinship, friendship and partnerships that don’t have to revolve around sex or romantic attraction.”

Although there have probably been asexual people throughout history, people have lacked the words to talk about it. When Alfred Kinsey studied sexuality in 1948 as part of the Kinsey Scale, he found that some people, whom he called Group X, could not be classified on the scale because they did not experience sexual attraction, says Megan Carroll.

“We didn’t have a language for asexuality,” Carroll, an assistant professor of sociology at California State University San Bernardino, tells TODAY.com. “That term didn’t come into common usage until the beginning of the century, around 2001, when (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) was founded … issued a definition of asexuality.”

David Jay founded AVEN with “two goals: one, to really advocate for asexuality as a real sexual orientation, and two, to build this natural community of asexual people,” AVEN member Michael Doré tells TODAY.com. “We need to build a community and really spread the message.”

What makes a person asexual?

Being asexual means having no or only limited sexual attraction to others. But asexuality is more nuanced.

“Asexuality is definitely a spectrum,” says Carroll. “Under the asexual umbrella, there are many identities that experience a level of sexual attraction that is not considered normal.”

Gray asexual people, for example, rarely experience sexual attraction or only experience it in certain situations. Demisexual is “a pretty common sub-label” for people who only experience sexual attraction after an emotional connection has begun, Carroll says.

While asexuality is related to sexual desire, Cerankowski notes that some asexual people “masturbate, for example, because they actually feel sexual arousal. They just don’t want to share that with another person.”

“The asexual community also distinguishes between sexual attraction to another person and sexual desire or libido, which is a different mechanism, so to speak,” he says.

Do asexual people fall in love?

Some asexual people actually fall in love. Although asexual people may not be interested in sex, many are interested in romantic relationships in which they enjoy a partnership that, on the surface, looks like any other.

“Two-thirds of asexual people actually experience a normal level of romantic attraction or desire a romantic relationship,” says Carroll. “But without the sex aspect.”

That means that a third of asexual people are considered aromantic, “which means they just don’t have any interest in romantic partnerships,” Cerankowski says. “That’s also a spectrum of its own… so there might be some asexual people who are also aromantic. There might be aromantic people who are not asexual.”

Those who are aromantic but not asexual are likely to seek casual sex but not relationships, Cerankowski says.

Asexual people who desire a romantic relationship may have certain gender preferences for their partner, such as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, or panromantic.

“There are asexual people who are romantic and have a relationship that might seem ‘normal’ to insiders, in the sense that they have a partner of the same or opposite sex,” says Doré. “It’s really no one else’s fault what happens behind closed doors.”

Some asexual people have multiple romantic relationships, which is called asexual polysexuality. They “just don’t have sex in those relationships,” Cerankowski explains. “They still have deep intimacy. People may live together. They may raise children together and do all the things that, from the outside, look like any other couple or family would do.”

How to tell if someone is asexual

You can’t know if someone is asexual if they don’t share it. “Nobody knows if you have sex at home,” Cerankowski explains.

Carroll emphasizes that others should not label someone as asexual.

“(The community) encourages people to adopt that word for themselves if they find it useful, but the community is committed to not putting that label on anyone,” she says. “People are very respectful and don’t project that label onto someone who says it’s not for them.”

Coming to terms with his asexuality has helped Huntington Derrick live “my best life,” she says. “I can do things that fulfill me, and it was a really empowering moment to be introduced to the community. One of the things I love about the community was that they welcomed me even when I wasn’t sure if that was who I was.”