LIVE BY DESIGN | How can we best react when a dozen elementary school children die in a traffic accident?

A minibus full of elementary school children. Imagine the energy and noise level as they chat, laugh and/or argue on their way to school. A minibus hits their vehicle from behind. The minibus overturns and bursts into flames. The driver and 12 of the children die.

Condolences are being offered to the families. People are trying to find practical and emotional ways to support the grieving families and ease their own grief. Parents, siblings, friends, relatives, peers, teachers, medical staff, neighbors – so many people are affected.

Yes, there will be an investigation to check road safety, whether the minibus was overloaded and whether seat belts were being worn. The outcome may help prevent more such accidents in the future, but none of these measures will bring back the lives of the children whose families have been destroyed.

As parents, we don’t expect to have to bury our children. Our job is to give our children roots to grow and wings to fly, and someday, when we are old, they will bury us.

But grief is neither quantitative nor temporal. I noticed that the reports highlighted the family whose four cousins ​​were travelling together in the ill-fated minibus. Another parent may have lost their only child, conceived after years of trying.

Grief expert David Kessler’s mantra is, “Grief is as unique as our fingerprints.” Kessler also points out that some people seem to cope with grief without any problems and turn their lives around within a few months, while for others that time frame can take a few years or even longer.

I expect that the social workers will visit all Merafong families – both those who have lost a child and those whose children have survived. Survivor guilt is a phenomenon that children can experience too, not just adults.

READ MORE | LIVE BY DESIGN | Reopening old wounds to inspire today’s generation

What can experts teach us about living with grief? Do we give up? What can we do to best support those who are grieving?

Dr. Lucy Hone wrote her book, Resilient griefafter her 12-year-old daughter Abi was killed by a driver who failed to stop. Her best friend Ella and her mother Sally also lost their lives.

Hone writes about the advice she received from well-meaning social workers who made home visits. She and her husband were told that the next five years would be the worst of their lives and that divorce rates are extremely high among couples who have lost a child because relationships do not easily survive the trauma.

Hone, who spent her postgraduate studies studying returning veterans and the factors that influence their resilience, decided to apply her research to herself. She had identified three strategies that were common among those she considered to be the most resilient; those who were best able to recover from trauma, tragedy and grief.

What goals would I pursue for my children if I were the parent who lost a child?

• Create a memory box: What items of clothing, books, stuffed animals, drawings do you own that are part of your memories and those of your siblings?
• Share stories: I would write these down later (but sooner rather than later), because later we might be sad when the memory fades and we can no longer remember the details. But talking is important. There are people who live with grief that they were unable to talk about: “My sister died, my mother packed her things and we weren’t allowed to talk about her. It was as if she had never existed.”
• Drawing: Not all of us are comfortable expressing our feelings out loud. Sometimes it is easier to draw and express ourselves on paper with colors and pictures, not with words.
• Create memorable occasions: My child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the celebration on November 1st, as I try to celebrate and honor all the loved ones who have passed away.

Finally, I would like to say to myself, to my husband, to my remaining children and to the life that I still have ahead of me:

• Choose life: “Don’t lose what you have because of what you have lost.”

I recalled Hone’s words every day, reminding herself that she had given birth to three children, and that even though Abi had died, Hone was still the mother of two teenage boys who needed their parents.

It’s easier said than done. There are many firsts ahead. The bereaved children will be going to school for the first time without their departed playmates. It will be tough. Every grieving family will have to experience all the inevitable firsts: the first birthday, the first religious celebration… And then there are the unexpected firsts that you don’t know about and that surprise you until they happen – you set the table for dinner and there’s only one chair left, you go grocery shopping and reach for your favorite Frosties but put the box back when you realize your child is gone.

Collective grief can provide comfort. It is important that grief is publicly acknowledged and witnessed. In March, on Easter weekend, 44 Botswana citizens were killed in a bus accident in Limpopo while on their way to an Easter pilgrimage organized by the Zion Christian Church. Five thousand people, including dignitaries, gathered for the mass funeral and expressed their pain at the tragedy.

Let us hope that the grieving families of the twelve children who died this week find comfort in the condolences and support offered to them.

The cover of “Before Forever After” by Dr. Helena Dolny. (Staging Post)

Would you like to read more articles in this series? Click here.

Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of News24.