Mariska Hargitay spoke about her sexual assault in an emotional essay

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As Detective Olivia Benson Law and Order: SVU and through her real-life commitment, Mariska Hargitay has been advocating for survivors of sexual assault for decades. Now she is her own lawyer.

In an open essay for PeopleHargitay revealed that she was raped in her 30s. Like many victims, she said, she knew her attacker and described feeling “outside” her own body. She also explained that after the assault, she tried to erase the event from her memory.

“I couldn’t believe it happened,” Hargitay wrote. “That it could happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative. I now have so much compassion for the part of me that made that decision, because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive.”

Hargitay wrote that she wanted to help alleviate the shame that survivors of sexual assault often feel, but, like her iconic character, wanted to end sexual violence entirely. That starts with responsibility. “Sexual violence does not exist because of something immutable in our human condition,” she said. “It exists because there are power structures that make it possible.”

In 2010, Hargitay’s own charitable foundation, Joyful Heart, began its End the Backlog initiative to focus primarily on the large number of untested rape kits in the United States. “I couldn’t believe this could happen,” Hargitay said People in a 2020 interview. “This is a crystal clear microcosm of what is wrong with our society.” The effort was depicted in her 2018 documentary. I am proof.

While Detective Benson puts perpetrators in prison, Mariska Hargitay’s version of accountability doesn’t necessarily require the justice system. “When it comes to justice, it’s important to know that it can look different for every survivor,” she said. “For me, I want an acknowledgment and an apology.”

Originally appeared on Glamour