The signs that all parents should recognize

Children who have been sexually abused often know instinctively that what has happened to them is not right. But they usually don’t tell anyone at first. However, their behavior changes and parents should be sensitive to these changes.

“Sometimes adults are afraid to take a closer look because they don’t know what to do or how to deal with it,” says social worker Tanja von Bodelschwingh, board member of NINA, an information and advice center for sexual abuse of children and young people in Germany.

To help, she answered some important questions:

How do you recognize child sexual abuse?

“There are no typical injuries or signs that clearly indicate this,” she says. However, parents should pay attention if a child’s behavior changes significantly – for example, if they suddenly become very anxious or aggressive.

Parents of sexually abused children who call the NINA hotline report symptoms such as difficulty concentrating, problems at school, withdrawal or constant complaints about headaches and stomachaches. Other children deliberately inflict pain on themselves or develop eating or other disorders.

Parents should be particularly vigilant if their child displays sexual behavior that is unusual for their age, “for example, if they disappear under the covers with other children and get them to pretend to have adult sexuality,” says von Bodelschwingh.

Sometimes teachers become suspicious when a child is so tired that he or she often falls asleep at school. “Some children are so exhausted because they have to be awake and alert at night and hardly sleep,” she points out.

All of these “signs” can of course have other causes. “That’s why it’s important to talk to the child,” advises the Germany-wide Sexual Abuse Help Portal.

What should you do if you suspect your child has been sexually abused?

The right strategy: build trust, take your time, do something together and ask sensitively how the child is doing, for example with words like: “I’m worried about you. You look sad and you’ve changed,” advises von Bodelschwingh. You shouldn’t push the topic too much; you can bring it up again later if necessary.

Another approach would be to say, “Not everything adults do is good for children. Then it’s OK to talk about it.” You could also explain that it doesn’t feel good to keep some secrets, so it’s OK to share them.

The help portal for victims of sexual abuse advises against asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” such as “Did the person hurt you?” Open questions are better, such as: “What did you do together?”

But here too, avoid any pressure. Otherwise, the child may fall completely silent – ​​one must not forget that perpetrators of child sexual abuse usually force their victims not to say anything.

Am I possibly missing veiled cries for help?

Whether out of shame or guilt, sexually abused children find it difficult to put what happened into clear words. Von Bodelschwingh gives an example: “Grandpa always gives me a lollipop to suck on. I don’t like that,” a child complains to his mother.

The mother is caught up in the stress of everyday life and cannot understand the true meaning of the words. She dismisses the complaint with the words: “Then just tell him that you don’t like it!” It’s that simple.

“For the child, the matter is settled,” von Bodelschwingh knows from experience. “They think: ‘Well, I told Mom, now she knows. And I won’t tell her again.'” Often the penny drops for the parents later.

How should you react if your child confides in you about sexual abuse?

“If your child tells you that he or she has been sexually abused,” says von Bodelschwingh, then rule number one is: “Make it clear to him or her that you believe him or her and that you are on his or her side.” Be there for your child and do not try to hold the alleged perpetrator accountable.

Rule number two is not to ask for details. “You should leave that to the specialists,” she says. She also warns against being too insistent, for example by saying, “Tell me again exactly what happened!” or, “What did you say happened in the bathtub?”

The Sexual Abuse Support Portal recommends that you take time to consider what steps you should take. You tell the child that you need to think about what you can do to help them. Once you have decided, tell them.

It is important that you do not promise your child that you will keep everything to yourself, because then you will no longer be able to help them. Write down everything your child observes and says.