Dozens dead in “Least Of America’s Problems”

NEW YORK — As extreme heat continues to rage across much of the Midwest and East Coast, authorities warned Friday that dozens of Americans have died in what is currently the nation’s least serious problem. “We’ve seen numerous older citizens die, which ultimately represents a tiny portion of the overall problems facing this country,” said climatologist Todd Jeffries, describing the hundreds of related hospitalizations as 97th on a list of problems facing the United States — behind a disappointing summer movie lineup, this year’s cicada swarms, the lack of a cure for male pattern baldness, Justin Timberlake’s drunken driving, concerns that the 2024 Summer Olympics may not live up to expectations, the TikTok ban, the closure of Red Lobster and divorce rumors involving Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. “Look, I’m a researcher in this field, and even I have to admit that the increased fire risks and the unusual number of record-breaking temperatures are just a blip in the bigger picture. Simply put, most Americans have more pressing things to think about than this nonsense.” Authorities added that while the dozens of deaths may be related to a larger problem, they actually had bigger concerns, like getting their air conditioning fixed.