Orgasmophobia: The fear of ecstasy and loss of control | Lifestyle

Orgasm is the icing on the sexual cake, and even though it is not essential when it comes to feeling pleasure, we all strive to experience it in our couplings, and even better when it is synchronized with a partner. There is the orgasm that is faked to please another person or to trick oneself. The orgasm that is unattainable, as if our body is denying pleasure. The orgasm that can be frightening, that stops one from giving up on oneself. little deaththe unknown, the escape from one’s own control. In a way, orgasm is related to freedom. Everyone seeks it, it is presented as the ultimate happiness; but it is not always easy to sign its contract, to accept its conditions. We long to be free, but we are afraid of the steps we must take on the path to that freedom that so often has to be offered in exchange for security. It is the same with orgasm. Not all of us dare to take the plunge, even with something so idealized. What if I am not up to it? What if it puts me in a situation I cannot handle?

Some people cannot reach orgasm, have never had one and cannot understand its completion; others, for various reasons, interrupt stimulation and in a way abort their own orgasm, for fear of losing control or because they confuse its symptoms with something negative. In an episode of Desperate Housewivesa woman mistakes her climax for a heart attack.

Not being able to have an orgasm and being afraid of it are two different things. “But the result is the same,” says gynecologist and sexologist Francisca Molero, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. “Orgasm is a very vulnerable moment, when our reason leaves us for a few seconds and a feeling of abandonment arises. That is why many people are afraid of the emotions and sensations that arise during it, of this necessary loss of control.”

Recognizing the orgasm

As strange as it may sound, it’s not always clear when we’ve had an orgasm. We’ve all heard of women who don’t know whether they’ve climaxed or not, or if they’ve ever even experienced the little death. “Before, when that happened, if they doubted it, it was usually assumed that it probably wasn’t, because it’s a feeling intense enough to know whether you’re having one or not,” says Molero. But confusion can arise: “Some people easily recognize and experience the physiological changes of orgasm (arousal, genital changes, accelerated breathing, contractions), but these sensations are purely physical and the brain doesn’t interpret them as an orgasm. The connection between body and mind is missing, which is why in sexology we have the term anorgasmia, which refers to when a person reaches the edge of the arousal and sexual tension necessary for an orgasm in the mechanical sense, but lacks the emotions and perception.”

In psychology, there is the term “cognitive attributions,” which refers to the explanations we give for things that happen to us relatively unconsciously. “Even an orgasm requires cognitive attribution, because someone can be very aroused, but since they do not attribute these symptoms to sexual arousal, they will not experience them in this way,” says Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist and president of SISEX (International Society of Specialists in Sexology). To give another example, panic attacks are actually a misinterpretation of the physical symptoms of anxiety, as Larrazabal explains: “The person identifies these signs as an alarm, they think they are going to die, fear grips them and then the panic attack comes, out of fear of fear. In fact, some people who have experienced this can later interpret intense sexual arousal as the beginning of a panic attack; they ignore the feeling and therefore do not climax.”

Orgasm is a subjective experience that can also require some experience. “Pleasure is something that is built up and we all need to know what our own pleasure is like,” says Molero. On the other hand, she says, there are people who have unrealistic ideas about climax and, when they reach their peak, do not identify it as such.

These misconceptions, perceptions and fears when it comes to ultimate pleasure are not exclusive to women. Men also fall into this trap, a hallmark of an era in which sexual instincts are seen as contradictory to healthy relationships. The concept of Sexual body refers to the study of the body, a sexological approach developed by Jean-Yves Desjardins (1921-2011) and based on the assumption that everything physiological is related to cognitive emotions. Claude Roux-Deslandes is a doctor, sexologist and student of Desjardins. She lives in France, where she offers and teaches therapies based on the principles of this discipline. “I know of the case of a male patient who avoids orgasm because he is afraid of his own strength and fears that if he loses control he might harm his partner or do something she does not consent to,” says Roux-Deslandes. “Other people with health problems may be afraid of having a heart attack; for many women, peeing themselves during orgasm is their worst nightmare. Underlying all of these fears is the worry of losing control. In these cases, it is necessary to work on this lack of self-knowledge and to train the erotic and cognitive competence of the patients. “With physical tension, there can be no tension-pleasure. They also have to learn that it does not require as much effort to reach orgasm as many people think. It is more about letting go,” says the sexologist.

The areas of the brain that register pleasure and pain are interconnected and, as Roux-Deslandes points out, like trains, can sometimes get on the wrong track. “In fact, in some cases, an increase in sexual tension can falsely provoke a feeling of pain; the orgasmic discharge can also be a discharge of emotions. There can be a feeling of emptiness, sadness, withdrawal, grief or frustration because the pleasure lasts so short,” she says.

Undoubtedly, society, culture and changing trends influence sexual and affective behavior. “I see many people who find it difficult to let go and surrender to physical sensations because we are in our heads all the time, thinking about our ideas, our ideology and because the world we are building is a world in which we must be ever more alert,” says the French sexologist. “There are many women who have mechanical orgasms, who lack the emotional component because the emotional part scares them. Nobody wants to penetrate too deeply, which also explains the current trend of clitoral suction vibrators because people are looking for external, less profound sensations,” she says.

While control may be the opposite of pleasure, instinct is also declining in popularity. “Human sexuality is becoming less and less instinctive,” says Molero. “And I would say that we are losing our instinct on all levels, perhaps because we feel less physically threatened and instead look for solutions in medications (anxiolytics, antidepressants) rather than in our natural abilities.”

Maybe the solution to the problem lies in returning to our essence, in simplifying? Molero believes that we need to focus on sensory perceptions. It is important to restore physical and mental awareness and enter the tactile level. “To help people relax, we subject them to different controlled and gradual stresses, first individually and then in pairs,” she explains.

For Larrazabal, it is important that we work on certain ideas that are ingrained in us, such as the idea that losing control is undesirable. “We must banish this negative idea. Self-abandonment can be an adaptive resource because it leads to relaxation and acceptance. For people who, for whatever reason, cannot reach orgasm, the basic exercise is to learn to let go, to give up control, through successive approaches.” To do this, she suggests various behavioral experiments designed to make you lose control, such as screaming into the void, dancing as if there were no tomorrow or letting yourself be carried away by the rhythm of your breath.

Rita Abundancia is a journalist, sexologist and founder of the website RitaReport.net.

Sign up for our Weekly newsletter to get more English-language coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition