My beloved girls were killed and then the police abandoned us. But I still have hope | Mina Smallman

ÖOur story of grief and sorrow did not follow the usual pattern of grief. When our daughters Nicole Smallman and Bibaa Henry disappeared in 2020, the police did not help us. We had to go and search for their bodies ourselves. When they were discovered, was brutally murdered, the police acted so inappropriately that we plunged into a fight for justice.

However, I just wrote a book about hope – about finding it in the darkness and using it as a light to guide your way. I’ve learned a lot about hope in the last four years. I’ve learned that you can’t really see the meaning of hope until it’s lost. I’ve learned to laugh and fight for others instead of focusing on our differences.

When my daughters disappeared, I had never heard of the “Missing White Woman Syndrome”: a white woman goes missing and that’s a headline, but the missing black and brown women get a paragraph in the back pages or the news section at the end when the audience is making a cup of tea. When friends and supporters told me about it in outrage and asked, “Where’s our coverage?” I knew I had to say something about it. I asked editors, “Why are you doing it this way?” I wasn’t blaming anyone, I was just asking. And it wasn’t long before changes began to appear.

My two girls were not important because they were women of color. I call them “my girls” because to me as a mother, they will always be my girls. But they were women in their own right, I know that. I’m not just advocating for my girls or women of color now. I’m advocating for all women who feel voiceless or disrespected by the justice system. I’m happy when families who have been through similar things feel seen through my work; when they say, “Thank you for being our voice. Until now, we felt like no one was listening to us.” That tells me the work is worth it.

I don’t think all police are corrupt. I get asked all the time: how can we ever trust the police again? My answer is we have to, because when we’re in danger we can’t take matters into our own hands – we have to follow due process. I hope I really am a role model of charity.

Dividing people and labeling them destroys hope. We all need the same things: for our children to eat, for them to be loved, for them to be given opportunities. Many of the systems that are supposed to take care of us are failing, and we have to hope that things will get better. That takes hard work. But when there is hope, that is the impetus that says, I will not give up because I believe in a better me.

I have forgiven my daughters’ killer. It wasn’t an intellectual decision – it was a spiritual gift that was given to me and I’m grateful for it because it would have eaten my brain and taken up way too much space in my head if I was still holding on to it.

For me, finding humour has been important in recent years. I’ve had a rough life: when I was five, I was plucked from an idyllic foster home in Essex and sent to live with my biological family, where there was conflict and turmoil. Later in life, I became the first black female archdeacon in the Church of England, and in between I was a mother and a teacher. But it wasn’t a straight path.

I tried to take my life three times, and each time I did it because I felt abandoned, isolated, and worthless. Eventually I gave in and got angry. I woke up and said, “God obviously has work for me to do.” I threw my hands in the air and thought, I’m not going to waste my time anymore.

Never underestimate the importance of laughter. We went on a river cruise this New Year and some people recognized us but didn’t know exactly why. They asked, “Are you a famous singer?” I just played along – I don’t want to spoil anyone’s holiday. When they realized that, we lightened the mood and said, “We’re all on holiday. Let’s put this aside,” and we had a good laugh and moved on to something else.

For anyone going through dark times, the most important thing is to be good to yourself. Don’t try to get caught up in how someone “should grieve.” Chris, my husband, found peace in soccer and tennis. Netflix became my best friend. Don’t go back to what we all do. It’s OK if you’re not OK. Our story proves you can get out of it. Be patient. Sometimes you’ll think, “I thought I was further along by now.” Embrace your feelings. If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, check in with them. You may not feel like you have the right words, but that doesn’t matter. We don’t expect you to have the words to heal us, just to walk alongside us.

• Mina Smallman is the author of A Better Tomorrow: Life Lessons in Hope and Strength

• In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or by email at [email protected] or [email protected]. For more information visit www.samaritans.org. In the USA, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be contacted on 800-273-8255 or via chat. You can also text HOME to 741741 to be connected to a counsellor on the crisis text hotline. In Australia, the crisis helpline can be contacted on 13 11 14. For more international helplines visit www.befrienders.org