“I don’t think having sex with someone else is a reason to end our marriage.”

Victoria Sponges and Lemon Drizzles are currently being smeared across the country. There is a community, primarily on Reddit, of over 8,000 people who identify as “Cake Eaters” (meaning “to have the cake and eat it”). They define their mindset as “a person who is married, generally happy and content, has regular sex with their significant other, is not planning a divorce or separation or looking for an escape, and is also having sex with other partners.”

Well, it sounds remarkably similar to ordinary cheating (might not pie-eating even be a very modern Cockney rhyming slang for cheating?), but bear with me, because when I ask one man in the group to explain it further, he says, “We cake-eaters are a different species.”

This man, let’s call him James, is 42, works in corporate logistics and has been married for 14 years. “I love my wife and my children,” he tells me. “I have no desire to leave them, but I crave more sexual excitement than I get at home and I don’t think we are really meant for each other sexually. I grew up with low self-esteem and hadn’t experienced much before I met my wife and married her at 21.

“I miss the thrill of first dates and really enjoy meeting new people. I just discovered the term ‘cake eating’ and thought it sounded much better than adulterer. Cake eating has allowed me to keep my marriage and family together. I know it’s technically wrong, but I love my wife and don’t want to leave her and destroy our family.”

There are many others in this small but growing online community, like James, who find “eating cake” a less stigmatized term than “cheating” and feel that by indulging in red velvet, they are doing the right thing for everyone involved. “My wife and I are sexually incompatible,” writes a 38-year-old man, “but everything else is perfect. Why would I ever consider divorce when her life is great and eating cake is the solution to making it great for me too? I don’t think having sex with someone else is a good enough reason to ruin my life or theirs by ending our marriage.”

For some, eating cake after justifying their sexual exploits to this group is practically altruism (although they may need to be reminded that charities exist should they wish to indulge in a different kind of charity).

Others openly admit that it is simply cheating by another name. Laura*, 36, a marketing manager, says she has been having an emotional affair with her colleague for five months and recently it has become physical. “I have no reason to cheat, my marriage is great, I love my husband, we have great sex, but I just got caught up in this affair. I feel guilty and awful but I had no one to talk to about it, so I came to this group to talk about it and find out why I am doing this and what I can do about it.”

Then there are the cake eaters who obviously enjoy and get turned on by bragging about their – probably fantastic – transgressions and talking to other people about taboos and forbidden things.

Adultery is, of course, an ancient story, but what makes the concept of eating cake different is that the term reflects a world where labels and self-identification are so important. Whatever you feel or desire, there will probably be a word for it in 2024—or if not, you can make one up. From abrosexual—someone with fluid sexuality whose sexuality and preferences may change throughout life—to biogender—a gender closely connected to nature where the person feels compatible with vegetation—there is a label for everyone.

While these terms are harmless as they don’t imply betrayal, I feel like everything seems more legitimate when the cheaters describe themselves as something as sweet and wholesome as cake. As if eating cake isn’t a choice for some, but simply who they are, maybe even a sexual identity, a genetic predisposition, a personality type.

“I have ADHD and crave novelty, and my brain likes new things,” writes a 32-year-old woman. I’ve been in a relationship for eight years and married for a year, and I constantly feel the need to flirt, engage, make out, and talk to other people. Does this mean I’m in the wrong relationship, or does it just mean I’m human?”

Reactions vary, but because the moderators keep reminding them “not to judge” because this is a “warm, motivating and open place for cake eaters,” they get completely different reactions than they would likely get from their friends, family, and certainly their spouse.

“You’re not a bad person,” someone replies, “you’re like most of us with normal curiosity and desires. Monogamy is extremely difficult, especially in our society today with so many ways to remain discreet and anonymous.” I’m struck by the idea that someone who once considered cheating on their spouse had at most one friend who told them it was no big deal and that what their spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt them. Today, in 2024, it’s possible to have thousands of such “friends” with the click of a mouse.

“I don’t think it’s bad or wrong,” another cake eater replies. “For me, it comes down to loyalty and respect, because I’m not going to leave or embarrass my wife, but I have other desires and I want to handle them discreetly.” This is the first time I’ve witnessed thousands of people gently encouraging, justifying, and analyzing each other’s affairs. If anyone out there wants to cheat on their spouse and feel better about it, this is the place to do it. However, there are also some less emphatic responses: “You need a therapist.” And another: “You’re a terrible person, you don’t deserve to be married, get a divorce ASAP.”

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Is pie-eating actually a sexual subculture that is too radical or misunderstood for mainstream society to grasp? Katy Smithson, a certified psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships, says that although pie-eating is an online community and she has never discussed it in her therapy room, it tries in all sorts of ways to justify its behaviour.

“What matters, though, is that this idea of ​​eating cake is certainly a breach of trust and I would advise couples to be honest. Online it’s easy for people to encourage each other because it’s all anonymous and that’s part of the appeal of discussing it in this so-called safe space. I see clients who have mismatched sexual needs and want to deal with that, I’ve spoken to people who are thinking about opening up their relationship or who are moving into non-monogamy, but at the heart of all of this is communication, not starting a sexual relationship with someone new behind your spouse’s back. Lying ends up making everyone deeply unhappy.”

After scrolling through thousands of posts with titles like “tips on how to hide my cake eating” and memes of people enjoying lavish strawberry birthday cakes, I’m suddenly offered a rare moment of reflection. “Aren’t some of you just polyamorous and express that in a really hurtful way without telling your partner?” someone posts. “I’m a polyamorous person, I don’t feel like I have the ability or capacity to be monogamous and I’m open and honest about it. I’m sure some of you just do it for fun but I used to cheat and now I realize I only hurt people by doing that. Now I’m in active open relationships, am happier and don’t have to cheat on anyone. Anything else is just cheating, people! Sorry for the judgement but let’s be honest…”

In the meantime, think of Colin the Caterpillar. Let’s hope he is kept out of all this.