Reader gives “update” on how to be there for a mentor after an accident in the family

Dear readers: To mark my last week as the author of this column, I’m revisiting some of my most memorable questions and answers. Today I’m sharing an interesting update from a reader whose question was first published in 2019. Her update follows the original Q&A.

Original letter

Dear Amy: About five years ago, I completed my PhD under the guidance of a wonderful woman, “Daisy.” She had a truly transformative influence on my life and I owe her a great deal.

We developed a close bond and she introduced me to her husband and daughter several times. After graduation, we saw each other about once a year.

When I have a day off or pass by her campus, I usually invite her for coffee or lunch. I think of her often.

Here’s my dilemma: I recently learned that her daughter was in a tragic accident six months ago and is now paralyzed from the waist down. The story was reported in the national press, but I only learned it was Daisy’s daughter through an independent professional contact.

I really want to get in touch with Daisy and her daughter, but I don’t know how to go about it.

Should I mention the accident or should I just ask her for coffee and see if she’ll talk about it? I don’t want to be insensitive, but I also want to be there for my friend in this time of need.

— Lost in London

Dear Lost: You should definitely reach out and express your condolences and concern.

Here’s a start: “Dear Daisy, I was so sad to hear about your daughter’s accident. I am so grateful for your years of care and friendship. Please know that I am thinking of all of you right now. I will be in the area soon and would love to see you both again, if possible.”

Please understand that it is compassionate and appropriate to reach out even if you aren’t sure what to say and even if you can’t offer a solution to a particular problem. During difficult times, people often withdraw. Don’t ignore your friend now.

Reader delivers update

Here is an inspiring update from — Lost in London:

Dear Amy: They encouraged me to reach out to others and reminded me that in times of stress and sadness, people tend to withdraw from others because they are afraid of going too far, embarrassing themselves or saying the wrong thing. When in fact, we should be reaching out to our friends and colleagues and being there for them.

In this case, I contacted and met my mentor “Daisy”. We had a wonderful conversation and continued our relationship.

But perhaps more importantly, your specific advice that day and in all the other columns you’ve published reflect the same themes: consistent, compassionate friendship, the importance of self-care, self-love and boundary setting, and the realization that sometimes things are out of your control and you have to learn to live with them.

Your words in your response to me and those you have given to so many others have shaped the way I view the world, especially “just being there.” That might be physically, by helping a friend pack and move boxes while you clean out your parents’ house, or emotionally, by calling a friend you’ve been thinking of, making a peace offering to an estranged family member, or by being there for yourself by removing toxic influences from your life.

When compassion, empathy, love, and support are the motivating factors, showing up is rarely the wrong response. And even if it is, at least you know you tried.

Dear Lost in London: You summed up my overall impression beautifully. Thank you!

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @fragenamy or Facebook.