DEAL ALERT: I only have sheep

ATTENTION settlers!!

Although it’s not my turn yet, it would be CRIME to keep quiet about this incredible offer as it passes you by. As my fellow Catan players, you are in for a real treat; and while I can’t say how long this one-time offer will last, if you want to get an early share in my misfortune, you should ACT NOW. I only have sheep.

That’s right: my only 6 is on a sheep tile, and the robber has been sitting on my pieces for seven rounds. This unique and highly frustrating combination of circumstances presents you with a golden opportunity to take advantage of my downright disastrous odds. Not only do I have WAY TOO MANY sheep, but impressively, sheep are ALL I own! And for a piece of wood, ore, or a shoulder to cry on, my sheep can become YOUR sheep faster than you can say, “Hey, does anyone remember when we started playing this?”

Need a development card? Take my sheep. Build a new settlement? Take my sheep! Do you have a sheep port? You lucky man. You villain of trade. TAKE my SHEEP.

REMEMBER: Sheep are the currency of the needy. In this game where the laws of probability do not apply and God does not answer prayers, the humble sheep is the only barrier at the door to a life of swordsmanship. ASK YOURSELF: Why does the robber not build settlements with his stolen wealth? Why are there no cowardly kingdoms in the desert? Because for him, theft is both a means and an end. YOU are in the rare position of preventing my spiritual ruin and the price will not go lower than rock bottom, so take advantage while you can! Deals start at 1 for 1 and go up to 2 for 1, or frankly 3 for 1 because I have no ports and am just so desperate for resources.

DON’T WAIT! OFFERS ARE VALID FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, or for a long time if we keep rolling 11. The second the robber is moved and I’m forced to ritually slaughter and round down half my sheep, your savings are down the drain.

ACT NOW so I can bring in the little sculpture I made from my leftover roads and settlements while I wait for Jen to realize she can’t pull a win out of a hat this round.