“Flirting is mostly virtual – you sit at the computer and talk to girls online”: That’s how we do it in China | Sex

Tao, 39

After seven years together, we started having great sex. It took me some time to get rid of my sexual guilt

Chen is 10 years younger than me, but she has a lot more sexual experience. I was born in 1985 in Anhui Province, China, to a very conservative family. I don’t remember ever seeing my parents kiss. My teachers told me I would go to jail if I had sex before my 18th birthday. The age of consent in China is actually 14, so that was a lie, but our school constantly threatened us with jail time to intimidate us. By 16, I had a girlfriend, but I was afraid to even hold her hand. We wrote each other love letters that we exchanged wordlessly in the school hallways. We dated for months but never touched each other.

My friends would sneak out after school to hit on girls in cyberbars. Most of the flirting is virtual: you sit at your computer and talk online to girls who are in cyberbars in different parts of China. Even in my twenties, when I moved out of my parents’ house, I resisted going to them: I was afraid of being scammed by a scammer posing as a girl online. I guess my upbringing made it hard for me to separate the promise of intimacy from the danger.

I met Chen when I was 32, and although I had been through one long-term adult relationship, my attitude toward sex was still deeply conventional. Having grown up in a less repressed decade, Chen spoke openly about her love of one-night stands. Her boldness intrigued me, but also made me hesitant. When we started having sex, I felt like a teenager. I was used to 10-minute sex with little foreplay. Chen gently guided me toward more experimental intimacy. At first, I didn’t like being led by her; I resented that Chen was always trying to teach me things.

Chen and I have been together for seven years now, but we only recently started having really good sex. It took me some time to let go of my sexual guilt and learn to enjoy the experience. This year, Chen took a massage class and was inspired to incorporate oils and gentle touches into our routine, which has helped me slow down. She taught me how to caress non-erogenous zones like her stomach for 20 minutes before moving attention to more “sexy” parts like her breasts or lips. The other day, I had an idea of ​​my own: I suggested we blindfold each other to intensify the massage experience. I’ll probably always be more sexually reserved than Chen, but under her guidance, I’m getting a little wilder.

Chen, 29

He was not used to talking about sex and his fantasies were rather harmless.

I went to high school ten years after Tao, so attitudes toward sex had evolved somewhat, although repression still existed. Couples kissed openly at the school gates, but I was repeatedly advised to remain a virgin until marriage. My reaction was rebellion. I didn’t want sex to remain a shameful secret, I wanted it to be casual. I discovered that having sex with someone could be as enjoyable and uncomplicated as sharing a meal.

When I first started dating Tao, I was constantly suggesting different sex moves and places we could try. Tao wasn’t used to talking about sex, and his fantasies were fairly harmless. Once, when I suggested doing it in the car, Tao was worried about how we would pull up the curtains to black out the car windows. I had to explain to him that the whole point of having sex in the car is that you might get caught.

But in other ways, Tao was educating me sexually. I had experienced a lot of sex, but little real intimacy. Sometimes I would throw myself into the mechanical act because it seemed less risky than attempting a real connection. Tao wasn’t as technically savvy, but he had no problem letting me know how much I meant to him. I was impressed by how gently he held me; he wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable.

I recently trained as a massage therapist, which has lengthened and intensified our sex sessions. I start by touching Tao’s hips and thighs slowly and firmly. Then I kiss him on the mouth. After years of being together, you get used to making out, and you can say so much with a kiss. I often lay my whole body on Tao’s so he feels my full weight on him. He’s thinner than me, so sometimes I squeeze him a little, but the weight is comforting. I used to try to bring a sense of danger into our sex life, but I’ve learned that Tao prefers to feel safe in bed.

Tao and I don’t talk about sex outside of the bedroom. That’s a conscious decision. I used to think that the silence around sex in Chinese culture was a symptom of repression, but I’ve realized that maybe we keep sex hidden for other reasons: because we know that silence increases pleasure. The clearest words I’ll ever use with Tao are, “We have something very important to do tonight.” Secrecy is an aphrodisiac.