Ask Amy: How do I tell my partner I was raped in college?

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Even then, few people knew about it. It took me years to admit it to myself. Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty about not telling my lover this deep secret. Not because it hurts to talk about it (I’ve repressed it to the point where it’s numbed), but because I don’t know how to bring it up without catching him off guard, confusing him, or even angering him.

I feel like he needs to know, and I feel like I’m hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way. How do I bring this up and bring it up in conversation?

Protected: First of all – I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Understand that you can feel however you feel, including guilt, sadness, and fear. The way you deal with it will likely change over time.

In my opinion, you should start by redefining the language you use to describe your rape to yourself. Think of it as a “deep, dark secret.” It’s something you’re hiding. Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape victim. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy self-esteem, your personal, creative, or professional accomplishments—all of these things define you. And that’s why you shouldn’t “bring this up and bring it up in the conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in the conversation. It IS the conversation.

This may sound obvious, but I firmly believe that you can prepare for a challenging experience or conversation by practicing. Write down your thoughts. Choose a time and place where you feel comfortable and no one will distract you.

I suggest starting by saying, “I need to talk to you about something. This is hard for me, and I hope you’ll be patient while I finish. If you have any questions afterward, I’ll do my best to answer them.” If you two have a loving future together (which I assume you do), your stories and his stories – whether joyful or heartbreaking – will stay with you.

Remember: So many survivors are standing by your side. I hope you can imagine an army of supportive survivors having your back. You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and phone counseling.

Dear Amy: We’re planning a costume party at my workplace. We’ve all decided to dress up as people from a cult TV show. However, two of my colleagues who have fair skin go overboard and change their skin tone to match the darker cast members of the show.

Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with this. I find it not only offensive, but also very unprofessional. I don’t know how to put this across without coming across as rude. My attempts to reconsider have fallen on deaf ears. In their eyes, it is clearly innocent and meant as a joke.

Personally, I don’t see this as a joke and I don’t want to be in a group photo with two people doing something I don’t agree with. What can I do?

Insulted: Artificially altering skin color to match another person’s skin color as part of a costume is degrading and racist – no matter who does it. Iconic TV characters likely have many other features besides the actor’s skin color that your colleagues could use as part of their impersonation.

Why are you worried about being rude in the face of this rude, thoughtless, and potentially career-damaging behavior from your coworkers? You should say, “I understand that you find this lighthearted and funny, but I’m not comfortable with it. I find it racist and not cool or funny at all.” Do not, under any circumstances, get your picture taken with these “pranksters.”

Dear readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can send him your questions at [email protected].

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.