What is lube shaming? – AskMen

Too many men have a negative opinion of lubricant – here you can find out why this can have serious consequences

It gets hot and heavy. Then she stops – and asks you to use some lubricant.

Does your ego feel a little hurt? Or do you happily comply with the request and resume intimacy without thinking too much about it?

If the idea of ​​using lube makes you feel uncomfortable or disappointed, you may attribute it to the stigma surrounding lube. It’s more common among heterosexuals and has a name: lube shaming.

Lube Shaming, according to Dr. Karyn Eilber, urologist, sexual health expert and co-author of A woman’s guide to her pelvic floor: what the hell is going on down there?is based on “the false belief that lubricants are necessary for sexual activity (penetration) because the partner is not aroused and cannot moisten herself.”

“It’s extremely important to combat the stigma because without lubricant, women can experience severe pain during sex, which is not good for either partner,” notes Dr. Eilber. “In addition, lubricant can prevent micro-tears in the vagina that can encourage infection.”

RELATED: How to deal with painful sex

Here’s everything you need to know about denouncing the use of lube – and how to overcome any inhibitions that may arise when using the gooey stuff.

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Why lube shaming is problematic

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“There’s a stigma that a person who needs to use lube must be ‘frigid’ or have some other problem,” says Dr. Rachel Gelman, a pelvic floor specialist and certified sex counselor. “If a man’s partner isn’t getting wet, he may feel like he’s doing something wrong or isn’t attractive enough to turn his partner on,” adds certified sex therapist Heather Shannon.

Whether you’re a man whose sexual prowess is questioned when a woman needs lube, or a woman who feels terrible because she needs a little help getting wet, lube shaming doesn’t help anyone—and it certainly doesn’t help your sex life.

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“I heard someone making fun of lube, saying that nobody uses it and it’s only for old people. Am I weird for using it? Do cashiers judge me for buying it? Do I need to see a gynecologist?” wrote an anonymous woman on Reddit. Another Reddit thread tells the story of a man who was laughed at by grocery store staff when he bought lube. This is lube shaming in action.

The problem with shame is that it breeds silence. If your partner is in pain but is too embarrassed to ask for lube, she won’t have fun but will be too afraid to voice her needs. Discomfort during sex is incredibly common, by the way: According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, nearly 3 out of 4 women experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives.

On the other hand, if you sense your own insecurities coming up on the subject, you might inadvertently make her feel like there’s something wrong with her and she should be wetter. Again, feeling embarrassed during sex isn’t exactly conducive to open communication – and it’s easier to blame her than to admit you’re feeling insecure.

Either way, your sex life suffers. Not to mention, there are various reasons for using lubricants during sex, some of which have nothing to do with a person’s level of desire or arousal.

RELATED: How to excite a woman

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Debunking common myths about lubricants

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Lube shaming is based on myths, not facts – and debunking them will help you see things differently.

First, you should be aware that your partner may be very attracted to you and aroused, but still need lubrication. The opposite is also true.

According to Shannon, this phenomenon is called sexual nonconformity.

“This means that the mind and body are not always on the same wavelength when it comes to getting wet,” she explains. “Someone may not want to give in to sexual stimuli but still get wet. Or on the other hand, someone may be super aroused and their vagina doesn’t get as wet.”

RELATED: Signs that she is interested in having sex with you

Plus, there are many reasons a woman might need to use lubricant, from hydration to hormones, Gelman says: “Certain life events, such as childbirth and menopause, cause hormonal changes that can contribute to vaginal dryness. Certain medications, including birth control pills, can have the same effect.”

Finally, it’s time to give lubricants a new image. Lubricants can be used for fun – you don’t need a reason to reach for them.

“Studies show that people who use lubricants have more desire for sex,” adds Gelman. Shannon agrees: “Less pressure on natural moisture means more relaxed sexual experiences – and more relaxation often leads to more orgasms.”

There are other benefits to using lubricant, such as a lower risk of bacterial or urinary tract infections and a lower likelihood of condoms breaking.

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Choosing the right lubricant can make a difference

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If you hate the smell and consistency of lubricant, remember that the sexual wellness market has come a long way in recent years, with different options available to suit the preferences, needs and sexual situations of you and your partner.

RELATED: The best fertility-enhancing lubricants for pregnant women

Avoid fragrances. Look for a water-based lubricant, which is one of the safest options for avoiding irritation. Silicone-based products can also work, but you should avoid oil-based products, says Shannon, who recommends choosing a lubricant with a pH of around 4 or 4.5 to match the vaginal pH (this is safer for preventing infection).

Although lube shaming is common in our culture, it is not helpful and can rob you of the chance to experience more pleasure and closeness.

Now that you know a little more about it, hopefully you can overcome any negative emotions associated with it and start to embrace it in the bedroom. You might never look back.

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