I was sexually harassed by my own husband | Liza Caldwell

I hate writing this article, but I feel like I have to. I don’t want to because it’s embarrassing and because I’m scared he’ll read it. But I have to – I know there are women out there who are being sexually harassed by their husbands right now and don’t even know it. Or they know deep down but don’t call it that because they’re, well, married to him. We can’t call it sexual harassment when we’re married, can we? Oh, yes, we can. Especially now. On October 15, I saw a Facebook post that said, “If all women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘#MeToo’ as their status, we could give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.”

I quickly posted “Me too” on my page, thinking about the professor who failed me for not responding to his “flirting”… and the time another guy pressed his groin into my butt on a crowded subway… or all the countless times some guy stared at my breasts while “talking” to me. But in that moment of my #MeToo post, my ex-husband wasn’t on my mind. And I certainly didn’t think my “Me too” would become part of something bigger. (Thank you, you brave and courageous women.) Fast forward to today, and I don’t know about you, but every morning when I wake up and see yet another celebrity or politician or executive on the news facing sexual harassment charges, I feel a little thrill.

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Finally, the dirty little undercurrent that literally every woman everywhere has had to live with is coming to the surface and being addressed. It seems like the floodgates have opened and we’re hearing about more and more men (and let’s face it, it’s mostly men) who have behaved in ways that range from inappropriate to downright cruel. And we know, because we know what we’ve experienced throughout our lives, that this flood isn’t going to recede anytime soon.

Let it continue. Let it expand, as it eventually includes all kinds of perpetrators, not just those in the spotlight. And let it include all kinds of behavior, not just the most egregious. The fact is that sexual harassment comes in many forms, including in the context of marriage.

The #MeToo stories include sexual abuse in marriage. For those concerned, is the #MeToo movement going too far? This form of disrespect and violence has been around for too long and it is far too insidious. Sexual harassment – as shameful and uncomfortable as it may be for victims – needs to be called out before our society can metabolize the boundaries of what is “too much.” It was too much. Due to gender and power dynamics, victims throughout history have had to remain silent; or when they have spoken out, they have been labeled and abused for telling the truth. Until yesterday!

Just think of the fact that the women who accused Donald Trump of sexual harassment were not taken seriously. Think of Anita Hill and what she went through. Think of the women who work in hotels as chambermaids, housekeepers and laborers, what they experience every day and what they have to keep quiet about because they cannot afford to lose the jobs that provide a living for them and their children. This is too much. And not enough. Those who have a voice, a power, must speak out now – not for themselves, but for their daughters, their sons and all the victims who are unable to do so.

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If you look up the definition of sexual harassment, you’ll find several variations, but one phrase keeps cropping up, whether it’s workplace sexual harassment or not: “unwanted advances.” That was the crux of the matter for me. From that moment on, I was sure that my ex’s behavior was indeed sexual harassment. I can’t count the number of times I felt uncomfortable in my marital bed, the number of times he wanted me to do something, wear something, or say something that made me uncomfortable.

This was all very unwelcome, but my only choices were to keep my mouth shut and do it, or start an argument that would reach epic proportions. So I kept putting my wants and needs aside to appease and placate him. In those moments, I just thought I was compromising, like we all have to in relationships. But deep down, these experiences also made me feel disgusting, ashamed, lonely, and sad. If he loved me, why did he want me to do things that he knew full well would make me feel dirty and painful? I wish I had listened to that little voice telling me this wasn’t okay and that I had every right to stand up for myself.

In my personal story, I feel like I was responsible for this because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself… because I didn’t speak up often enough, because I implicitly gave him permission to harass me and do these things to me… I allowed it to escalate. And it escalated. At the end of our marriage, he tried to invite strangers from the bar into our bed. When I got home and there was an ad open on the computer on an adult website where he was advertising us as a couple interested in meeting others, I found the courage to put a stop to it.

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If my story sounds familiar, please don’t wait until things get worse. He will keep pushing the boundaries until he reaches that threshold, the point where you are so horrified you can’t stand it another minute. Please don’t wait for that, it might be a long time yet, and in the meantime you will endure, tolerate and suffer. This is not necessary. This is not fair. And I would argue it is not healthy. That is the wonderful power of the #MeToo movement. As women, young people and men, we no longer have to carry this burden alone, with only our inner voice trying to talk sense into us. We stand together now, in mass we are safe, and if you tell your story to the right people, they will listen.

We recommend finding someone you feel comfortable talking to and starting there. Can you tell your sister, your best friend, your mom? It really does feel good to tell someone, I can attest to that. Then find a professional who can help you figure out what to do about it. Therapists and divorce counselors are trained to walk you through a process – not necessarily to divorce if this is happening in your marriage, but to decide what you can do to address the situation. Whether it means separation or not remains to be seen. What you do know is that something fundamental needs to change. Find out how to do that.

Every woman has the right to feel safe, heard and respected in her marriage. That is the basic requirement, not a luxury. If you can’t say that you feel that way in your marriage, we would politely ask you to think about it. If you haven’t already taken advantage of our free confidential consultation, we are a safe place to start to get feedback on your situation. Married or not, we will listen to your story, maybe tell you a little of our own stories and most importantly, offer you perspective and next steps to lighten your heart and mind.

Sexual abuse is widespread.

RAINN reports that every 68 seconds an American is a victim of sexual violence. Women are far more likely to be victims of abuse and assault, and 90% of adult victims are women. This is especially true for women who are also college students, making their risk three times higher.

Anyone affected by sexual violence can find help through the National Sexual Assault Hotline, a safe, confidential service. Contact The hotline or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected to a trained representative.

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Lisa Caldwell runs SAS for Women, a small company that specializes in helping women escape from dysfunctional and unhappy relationships.