I renew my identity after my teacher was arrested

I will always remember my high school experience, for better or worse. In my first year, I suffered from virtual learning due to the COVID-19 pandemic, which was particularly stressful for me as an art student.

Classes like dance and orchestra didn’t translate well to Zoom, so my school tried to lift our spirits. The most popular was “Fun Fridays,” where students could participate in activities such as yoga and games in place of their regular classes. I wanted to watch more films and joined the film club.

The film club this year was led by my AP Language teacher, Mr. S. I already enjoyed being in the classroom with him because he was so approachable and understanding. Each week we shared our opinions about a movie we saw, but the real appeal of film club was the time I got to spend with a teacher I loved.

Whether in the film club or at AP Language – Mr.

Mr. S was also the first teacher who made me believe in my writing. He encouraged my creativity with his class projects and praised my stylistic choices that I was unsure about.

He pushed me to think critically and interpret his lessons at a higher level that no other teacher at my high school was willing to do. Most importantly, he has been one of the few sources of positivity during COVID. His encouragement and support ultimately led me to major in English in college.

My memories of Mr. S quickly deteriorated when he was arrested in June 2023 for sharing child sexual abuse material on Snapchat. Reading the details as they came out made me sick.

I felt more deceived than anything, but I also felt guilty. I spent so much time praising his teaching and personality, which led my colleagues to grow closer to him. I had to grieve the memories I had of him and confront his belief that he was causing harm to the population he taught.

Mr. S. taught me the basics of writing and how to make a persuasive argument, which I still use in college. After his arrest, I lost interest in everything related to learning English because I associated everything with him.

I wish I could be Mr.

The best thing I could do was push aside the image I had of him and focus on the good memories I had with other school staff. I had another AP English teacher, Ms. H., who I only really appreciated after Mr. S. was arrested.

When I took her course in person, she gave me the same support as Mr. S, but it affected me in a more profound way. She challenged my beliefs and allowed me to think about course texts in more complex ways than any other teacher had before. She let me stay after class to talk more about the book we read that week and express any thoughts I wasn’t able to share in class. Sometimes she would just listen and nod, but hearing my insights was all I needed.

I often ate lunch in Ms. H’s classroom, asking her about her weekend trips and begging her to watch my favorite movies. I cried in her chair when I was overwhelmed with school or had problems with a teacher, but she hugged me every time and had a full box of tissues in her hand.

My favorite memory of high school was reading hamlet with her. She sat at the front of the classroom and instructed willing classmates to reenact the most dramatic scenes, complete with foam swords and accents. Her love radiated from the high wooden chair she sat on, and I realized that I should appreciate her and not Mr. S.

I always knew that Ms. H was my favorite teacher at my high school, but I never gave her as much credit as I should have. Back then, the positive affirmations I received from Mr. S were more meaningful because I was desperate for male validation and placed too much emphasis on the positivity he brought to virtual learning.

I spent so much time thinking about the school year I lost because of COVID that I kept thinking about Ms. H, the most authentic teacher I’ve ever met, with so much passion for what she teaches .

I still keep my copy of hamlet on my desk to remind me of her. I watch it to remind myself why I study English and the support she gave me even after I graduated. She has invited me to advise her classes on their final projects, and she is always willing to read anything I write, no matter how messy the draft.

As much as Mr. S. is responsible for what I want to pursue, Ms. H. has also pulled me in the same direction. I’m still not healed from Mr. S’s arrest, but I’m not sure that’s necessary.

Traces of his influence can be found in what I write, which will always make me smile, but I realized that he wasn’t the only reason I chose literature and writing. I had a teacher who was more dedicated, empathetic and influential than him. Ms. H.’s lessons and the moments we had together are the ones I remember most fondly.

Ms. H wrote me a note in my yearbook before my graduation in 2022. It said, “You will do great things in college and I hope you change other people’s lives, just as I hope I changed yours.” She has more than she can understand, and I will focus on that instead of focusing on him.