I am an ethical sex coach

As a sex coach, my work is to help people with sexual problems – such as difficulty achieving orgasm, sexual self-confidence, unequal libido or sexual shame – to overcome these and lead a fulfilling intimate life.

Leaving evangelical Christianity and purity culture behind, I dove headfirst into the world of Neo-Tantra and sacred sexuality with wide eyes and innocence. It was a huge part of my personal healing journey.

But shortly after I received my coaching certificate, my eyes were opened to the dark side of sex therapy. I remember meeting a colleague near Brighton in 2017 and my jaw dropping as he listed therapists and teachers – who I used to look up to – who were unsafe. I now realise I was very naive.

He told me that they either flirted with their students, slept with their clients, pressured students or clients into sexual acts, or even pressured students or clients into sexual relations with them. It shouldn’t have surprised me then, and it doesn’t surprise me now when I hear of abusive practitioners.

In April this year, sex therapist, coach and trainer Michael Lousada was brought before a civil court for allegedly sexually assaulting Ella Janneh during a session. This week, 37-year-old Janneh, who said she was raped by the therapist who claimed his penis was “like a laser beam”, was awarded more than £200,000 in damages.

While Janneh’s case is extreme and disturbing, unfortunately abuse is common in the world of sacred sexuality. Here is a small sampling of things I’ve experienced or heard from colleagues and clients: A practitioner bragged in a Facebook group that he and his client had become lovers and scoffed at ethics. People who refused to participate in explicit practices like genital touching, intense breathwork, or partnering with someone they didn’t like on retreats being told they were in “resistance” or not “advanced enough.” People on retreats being hit on by teachers and leaders. Being invited to “share tantric energy” is just New Age code for sex.

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I have heard of practitioners claiming that sexual trauma can only be healed by sleeping with them, and of tantric massage practitioners who pressure their clients into sexual acts during sessions without asking, insisting that it is part of the healing process. Many people then end up in abusive or messed up sexual relationships with these practitioners.

There is a whisper network among practitioners about harmful individuals and organisations because you can’t say anything publicly without solid evidence. The UK’s libel laws are strict and well-known teachers and organisations have money and lawyers to silence people and an army of apologists to defend them.

When Uma Dinsmore-Tuli published a book documenting the evils in the yoga and tantra world, Yoni ShaktiShe faced years of legal battles and ultimately financial ruin because of a tantra school she mentioned in the book.

As a sex coach, I always work to a high ethical standard. It makes me angry that there are so many practitioners who cause so much harm and give our profession a bad name. We then have to work harder to undo the damage.

A good sex coach is a professional who helps people achieve their sexual goals. I’ve helped clients have pleasurable sex after vaginismus, let go of a lot of sexual shame so they can feel comfortable in their bodies, finally ask for what they want in bed, feel confident about dating and flirting, and have more orgasms.

I work in a similar way to a sex therapist in that my work is therapeutic but not therapy and I am not qualified to support people with complex mental health issues or trauma. I am freer in my suggestions and the boundaries are looser than in psychotherapy, but I am careful to stay within my boundaries.

The problem is that a lot of abuse happens because the average person seeking help doesn’t know how to spot a dodgy therapist. In the UK, the only accredited sex therapists are listed on the College of Sex and Relationship Therapists’ directory. However, certifications don’t mean a therapist is good at their job. They just mean they have met certain minimum training requirements and will be held accountable if they make mistakes.

Bad therapists can harm a client in many ways: by re-traumatizing them, by giving unethical advice, by giving advice that puts the client in danger, or by seeking a sexual relationship. I have met many therapists who had a zillion letters after their name and had absolutely no idea about people, so I would advise anyone looking for a sex coach to always make sure that the therapist has been recommended by at least two other sex coaches or body therapists.

There are many warning signs when it comes to shady therapists: run away if they say their fingers or penis can heal you. I don’t think this should need to be said, but it is. This is not just a warning sign, it is a huge red flag that you should leave immediately. Also avoid anyone who insists on working on your body in the first session without exploring your limits and making sure you feel able to say “no”. And if they claim to have special powers and knowledge, believe me, that is a sign they belong to a cult.

No one can “heal” you – I believe you are your own healer – and a good therapist will help you figure that out for yourself. One of the most healing things you can do is when you can reclaim your own agency. Not a therapist who will enter into an abusive power dynamic where they are the guru and you are the student.