Anal sex is more common than many people think. Here's what you should know.

Talking about sex can sometimes be uncomfortable, disturbing and, for some, unsexy. anal Sex, however, is a whole different level. Many people wouldn’t even dare to talk about it.

Dr. Evan Goldstein — founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical, a medical practice specializing in the sexual health and wellness of gay men — is trying to transform the discussion of anal sex from something weird to something educational and empowering. His book, Butt Seriously, out this week, aims to do just that.

“Why can’t we just meet people where they are sexually?” he asks. “No judgement, no stigmatization, but safe spaces and support so that people can get where they want to go.”

Anal sex, however, is particularly taboo. Experts say this is because many consider it morally wrong due to persistent homophobia. The only way to combat concerns about this sexual practice is to educate yourself about it.

“Everyone has a butt, and it’s full of rich nerve endings,” which can make anal sex pleasurable, says Dr. Carlton Thomas, a gay gastroenterologist who posts sexual health tips on social media. “(Anal sex) is for all genders and sexualities. There’s no masculinity, femininity, sexuality or gender role attached to it.”

Where does the stigma of anal sex come from?

Anal sex has long been demonized, dating back to religious texts. But anal sex was common in cultures like the Romans and Greeks, and “it has been depicted in art for thousands of years, including in Asia, South America and Europe,” says Debra Lynne Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

The moral stigma has persisted, however, as anal sex has long been associated with gay men. “Religious discourses that demonize homosexuality, and particularly non-reproductive forms of sexual intimacy, also shape public views of anal sex,” says Cornel Grey, assistant professor of gender, sexuality and women’s studies at Western University in Canada. “When we talk about the stigma of anal sex, we also have to address homophobic stigmas.”

This has even been seen in the doctor’s office. “Most people don’t feel comfortable going to the doctor to talk about these problems,” Goldstein adds. “And most doctors don’t feel comfortable talking about them either.”

Plus, “There’s this underlying concern about sexual hygiene,” says Grey. “When we look at portrayals of anal sex in the media and even in health literature, desire is rarely addressed. The focus is often on the dangers of anal sex rather than the pleasure people get from it.” Those dangers include concerns about the spread of sexually transmitted diseases like HIV, not to mention something as mundane as feces.

Although gay men are the most likely to talk openly about anal sex, that doesn’t mean they are the only ones who have anal sex.

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How common is anal sex?

Statistics on how many people have tried anal sex in their lives vary; it’s hard to say for sure. How It’s common among both straight and queer people. A 2017 study found that 36% of straight U.S. adults ages 25 to 44 and 44% of men had tried it. Among queer men, it may not be as popular as society would have us believe, although data is limited. A 2011 study found that fewer than 40% of survey respondents who talked about their last sexual partner had had anal sex with them.

The frequency of anal sex has certainly increased in recent decades, says Herbenick, and studies over the past 20 years have shown that while many heterosexual couples have tried anal sex, they have not done so regularly.

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When it comes to sex, remember that trust and communication are key

When it comes to anal sex—as with anything else you’re unsure about or curious about—experts say it’s best to do your research. Everyone can and should learn what works best for their body in terms of preparation.

In general, however, anal sex is “more enjoyable when people use lots of lubrication, are gentle, trust each other, and aren’t afraid to communicate if it hurts or they want to slow down or stop altogether,” Herbenick says. As with any other type of sexual act, it’s important to practice safe sex and take protective measures to minimize the risk of STDs.

Because “no, you shouldn’t bleed during anal sex, and no, you shouldn’t be in pain,” Goldstein adds. If you are in pain, “then something is clearly wrong.”

Of course, Herbenick adds, “No one should ever pressure or pressure another person to have anal sex. As with any other type of sex, anal sex is not for everyone.”

And Goldstein doesn’t care how someone has sex – “as long as it’s safe, as long as they get the pleasure they want. And if something goes wrong, as long as they have access to the care they need.”

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