“Baby Reindeer” highlights complicated aspects of sexual abuse

“Baby Reindeer” — a chilling Netflix limited series — weaves a twisted tapestry that details how trauma shapes our lives. At the heart of it, however, is a central question: How does our trauma shape us – especially when it comes to something as serious as sexual abuse?

The series, based on true events, tells the story of Donny (Richard Gadd, recreating a version of his own life), a bartender and wannabe comedian who serves Martha (Jessica Gunning) a free cup of tea, unknowingly beginning a years-long odyssey with thousands of harassing emails and gets worse from there.

Amid the harassment and trauma, Donny reflects on past abuse that he believes made him a “band-aid” for a predator like Martha. In a flashback, he tells the story of Darrien (Tom Goodman-Hill), a much older comedian and writer who groomed and sexually abused Donny.

Donny’s experiences with Darrien left him traumatized and hollow, and ruined his relationship with his girlfriend Keeley (Shalom Brune-Franklin). He becomes sexually confused and threatens to start a new relationship with Teri (Nava Mau), a transgender woman of whom Donny has been secretly ashamed.

Researchers have long grappled with questions about sexual abuse and sexual orientation: Can the abuse affect a person’s sexual orientation, or does it simply bring to light something lurking beneath the surface? But these questions ignore the most important insight: people should seek help to process their trauma so that it doesn’t persist and become worse.

Laura McGuire, founder of the National Center for Equity & Agency, says it’s typical for someone after experiencing abuse to feel desperate for “recognition and security from (the abuser),” that’s just the mammalian part of our brain. And that’s the case, “That doesn’t mean we wanted it, or that they’re a good person, or that we actually love them, but that’s how we were set up to be potentially harmed again.”

“A lot of confusion and fear”

Sexuality is a spectrum, and some people don’t realize or explore their sexuality until later in life.

However, when someone is sexually abused, their sense of identity, no matter how developed, becomes unstable.

“And because their self-worth is so violated and so ignored and so erased and razed in the process of that abuse, it is harder for them to find themselves afterward,” says Andrea Roberts, a senior scientist in environmental health at Harvard University who studies child abuse busy.

They are also quick to blame themselves. Sexual abuse “brings shame, self-hatred and self-blame,” says Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. “You start asking, ‘Did I ask for this? What have I done? Could I have done things differently?’ There is a lot of confusion and fear.”

The experiences of male survivors are also complicated by homophobia – 96% of perpetrators against boys and girls are men. Fear of being seen as gay can lead to feelings of shame and a desire to hide the abuse, especially when the body responds to violence sexually (which is physiologically normal for any survivor).

Roberts adds: “It’s not uncommon for victims to think that it’s somehow their fault, and I think that’s even more true when they’re agitated when it happens, and that’s just devastatingly confusing.”

If this excitement comes from someone of the same gender – if you didn’t previously consider yourself queer – it’s certainly even more of a mystery.

Good question: Paris Jackson said the paparazzi traumatized her. What exactly is trauma?

Abuse Probably Won’t ‘Change Your Sexuality’

McGuire says many who experience such trauma will spend a long time questioning their sexuality. However, sexuality is a mosaic: “They are our innate desires and preferences, they are based on the culture, geographical location and historical period in which we live. And then certainly experience plays a role,” although she adds that no single experience is likely to “change your sexuality.”

McGuire notes that we wouldn’t be asking these questions if we were talking about people of the opposite sex. For example, if a man sexually assaults a woman, one would not question her attraction to men.

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The Truth About Grooming and Abuse

What we Do We certainly know about abuse: predators prey on anyone they can. They will manipulate, groom and abuse. This includes people who feel excluded or are experiencing an internal conflict themselves. When Darrien first walks into Donny’s comedy show, he comes across as someone desperate for connection. Someone who is probably ashamed.

“We know that people who are queer will have the experience that it’s part of their personality, whether they label it as a questioning experience,” says McGuire, “or whether they’ve never put any of those labels on it.” move through the world. So it makes sense that LGBTQ+ people are about four times more likely to be victims of violent crimes like rape or sexual assault.

Victims may even end up back in dangerous situations—as Donny does repeatedly in “Baby Reindeer”—because they reason, “If I’m the problem, I don’t have to face the much more painful truth that someone is intentionally having.” found me, prepared me and attacked me,” says McGuire.

Especially when it comes to grooming, you might start small – “Let’s go to my house where it’s quieter” or “I see so much potential in you and your talent.” Intimacy, connection, friendship that turns sour. “It exposes that person to greater danger while paradoxically providing safety,” Raghavan says. “Grooming is done by all types of sex offenders.”

If “Baby Reindeer” turns on a lightbulb for you, talk to someone about it. There is hope out there – no matter how bad things get.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, RAINN offers support through the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org).

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Contributor: Kelly Lawler

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: ‘Baby Reindeer’ on Netflix and the complicated aspects of sexual abuse