Sexual Agreements: The Backstory | Psychology Today

Sexual arrangements are, in many ways, as old as relationships themselves. Marriage traditions dating back thousands of years and in place across a variety of cultures and religions dictate, in some way, the sexual boundaries of a relationship. In many cases and traditions (though far from all), the boundary is monogamy—the understanding that neither partner in the relationship will have sex with other people. This is the established marital norm in the U.S. Not only is sex with an outside partner (usually referred to as adultery or infidelity in legal discussions) grounds for a fault-based divorce in about two-thirds of U.S. states (Cornell Law School Legal Information Institute, June 2021), but it is actually criminalized (though rarely prosecuted) in most states (Cornell Law School Legal Information Institute, November 2021).

Many of these norms about sexual boundaries are implicitly or explicitly embedded in a heterosexual paradigm. Over the past 20 years, researchers have begun to pay attention to the sexual boundaries set by sexual and gender minority couples.

Why the growing attention?

Research on sexual arrangements began to gain interest in the early 2000s. Around this time, research from the Netherlands found that many new HIV infections among sexual minority men were transmitted between main or primary relationship partners—friends, lovers, spouses, and other existing or committed relationships (e.g., Davidovich et al., 2001). A few years later, complementary estimates from the United States suggested that between 35% and 68% of new HIV infections among sexual minority men were transmitted between relationship partners (Goodreau et al., 2012; Sullivan et al., 2009).

With the realization that a significant proportion of new HIV infections among sexual minority men are attributed to primary partners, it became a public health priority to understand how cisgender couples manage the risk of HIV transmission. In this context, researchers have been very interested in the agreements couples make about sex with outside partners. Early research in this area answered some questions.

What kind of agreements do couples make?

Monogamy or sexual exclusivity is not the only boundary couples can set. Studies of male couples consistently suggest that between a quarter and about two-thirds of them have agreed that sex with other partners is permitted in some way (e.g., Mitchell & Petroll, 2013; Parsons et al., 2013; Sharma et al., 2019; Sharma et al., 2021; Starks et al., 2020; Starks et al., 2019).

Couples who agree to be non-monogamous may still have some rules and boundaries. Some general boundaries have been identified:

• Sex with outside partners is only possible if both partners in the main relationship are present.It is estimated that between 10% and 45% of male couples restrict their sex in this way. Sex always involves the primary relationship partners together, but sometimes additional partners are involved (Mitchell & Petroll, 2013; Parsons et al., 2013; Starks et al., 2020; Starks et al., 2019).
• Expectations of communicationThe most common rules include discussing possible sex with an outside partner beforehand or announcing it afterwards (Grov et al., 2014).
• Common borders. Some couples set boundaries regarding people (e.g., no repeat partners or no sex with mutual friends), locations (e.g., “You can go to someone’s house to have sex, but you can’t bring anyone to our house”), or activities (e.g., “We only have oral sex—no anal sex—with other people”) (Grov et al., 2014).

Why do couples make agreements?

Researchers working in this area initially focused on sexual agreements to understand HIV risk and prevention in male couples. An early study went further and examined male couples’ motivations for entering into a sexual agreement (Hoff et al., 2010). They found that, in fact, one motivation for entering into a sexual agreement was HIV prevention; however, it was not the only reason. These couples also reported that entering into a sexual agreement increased their feelings of love and trust in the relationship. It reduced the need to keep secrets and facilitated honesty, disclosure, and discussion.

Are agreements actually linked to behavior?

Perhaps the most important finding of these early studies of sexual agreements in male couples was that they actually predicted behavior: When male couples agreed to be monogamous, partners were significantly less likely to have sex with other partners. Single men and those in non-monogamous relationships have comparable frequencies of sex with other partners (Parsons et al., 2013; Starks et al., 2020; Starks et al., 2019).

However, sexual agreements are not perfect predictors of behavior. Some men with monogamous agreements have sex with other partners (and thus presumably violate their agreement) (Starks et al., 2020; Starks et al., 2019). When they do, they may actually have sex more frequently than men who are single or have agreed not to be monogamous (Starks et al., 2020). Likewise, not all men with nonmonogamous agreements take advantage of the freedom to have sex with other partners.

What do we do now?

This research on sexual agreements in male couples is just a starting point. More recent work has looked at factors that predict whether or not partners agree on their agreements and whether people stick to the agreements they make. In addition, we are beginning to look at sexual agreements in other LGBTQ+ couples and examine norms and assumptions about monogamy in heterosexual relationships. There is a lot to unravel here.

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