Marriage, sex and lust in Judaism – DW – 17.06.2024

One might think that Judaism, with its more than 3,000-year history, also has something to say about love life, especially since Judaism has produced influential love experts such as King Solomon and Sigmund Freud.

An exhibition at the Jewish Museum Berlin is now exploring this question and how the social perception of sexuality has developed in the community. The show, with more than 100 exhibits, has the tongue-in-cheek title: “Sex: Jewish Positions.”

How incompatible things come together

Two pictures hung next to each other in the exhibition form a kind of visual declaration of intent: “A Jewish Wedding” by the Dutch-Jewish painter Jozef Israëls from 1903 and “A Jewish Wedding” by the contemporary photo artist Yitzchak Woolf. The latter shows a homosexual couple at the wedding ceremony – initially only in the picture, as no synagogue was found that was willing to do so.

“This exhibition is about the relationship between Judaism and Jewish tradition and changing ideas about sexuality, gender and desire,” Berlin-based German-Russian journalist and filmmaker Anna Narinsky (“Find the Jew”, 2020) told DW.

“For sexuality, as for any other topic of Jewish tradition, the religious laws are not rigid, but are adapted to current realities of life and changing social structures through interpretations, discussions and impulses,” museum director Hetty Berg told the Berlin newspaper Newspaper.

Condemnation of celibacy and “no means no”

Let’s start with “duty”. Unlike Christianity and many other religions, Judaism strictly condemns celibacy. No one may evade the commandment “Be fruitful and multiply”.

The Torah states that a man has three obligations to his wife: he must feed her, clothe her, and provide her with marital intimacy, preferably at least twice a week. In some Talmudic treatises, lack of sex is considered sufficient grounds for divorce. After just one week without sex in bed, the woman is entitled to all payments.

At the same time, religious books emphasize the importance of the woman’s consent to sexual intercourse: “When you are finally ready to have sexual intercourse, make sure that your wife’s intentions coincide with yours,” says the Iggeret Ha-Kodesh, a Kabbalistic text from the 13th century.

However, the Torah not only prohibits premarital sex, but also other activities “without reproductive intent” such as masturbation. This would be a “waste of semen.”

Women must also refrain from intimacy during and after menstruation; they may – and must – only return to the marital bed seven days after their last period and after purification in the mikveh, the ritual immersion bath.

Works by LGBTQ artists – a protest against traditional norms

Being different in a traditional value system: this is also a big and often difficult topic in Judaism. “In the Torah, men do not marry men. And women do not marry women,” writes David Sperber, researcher of contemporary Jewish art, in his article “The Art of Breaking Taboos,” written especially for the exhibition.

Behind every work by Jewish LGBTQ artists lies a difficult story of struggle against the conservative establishment.

Visitors linger in the room for a long time and watch moving video documentaries of men from traditional Jewish families talking about the often hard-fought acceptance of their homosexuality.

“I just pray that you don’t forget the way to God,” a mother wrapped in a black scarf says lovingly to her son, a young bearded man wearing a kippah. “And whoever you are, no one can ever tell you that this is not your home.”

This is an excerpt from the film “The Holy Closet” by Israeli director Moran Nakar.

Between prohibitions and sex toys

In a glass display case lies the “Shulchan Aruch,” a summary of the basic rules that Jewish believers must follow in their daily lives. The book is open to a page that deals with permitted and forbidden sexual practices, in particular the prohibition of masturbation.

“Beware of physical arousal, so do not sleep on your back or stomach with your face down. You should sleep on your side to avoid physical arousal,” the book recommends. It is also not advisable to sleep two people in one bed. You should not watch animals, whether wild or domestic, when males and females are mating, and you should not ride horses bareback, the book continues.

In a separate display case there is a small object that brings a smile to the face of many visitors: a solid metal ring that is placed over several finger joints to prevent them from bending. This device is intended to be worn by men at night to prevent them from accidentally masturbating while they sleep.

But the exhibition also offers a counterpoint: “Water Slyde” was developed in 2014 by Orthodox Jew Maureen Pollack for women’s sexual health. The highly unorthodox device serves a dual function: as a female stimulator and vaginal douche. It was developed with the blessing of a rabbi – as a means of promoting sexual intimacy between spouses.

Open discussion about intimate topics

The millennia-old culture of Judaism is full of prohibitions and restrictions. But it also has another tradition: openness with oneself. “And this is precisely the tradition that the Berlin exhibition follows,” says Berlin intellectual Anna Narinsky. Without fear or false pathos, the organizers put the central, intimate themes of Jewish culture up for discussion.

“I really liked that both sex and religion are portrayed with the same respect, but also with the same level of humor,” Narinsky told DW. “That’s the central idea that is very dear to me: traditions and beliefs do not require us to deny our own identity. On the contrary, they encourage us not to betray ourselves under any circumstances – neither ourselves nor our neighbors.”

This article was originally written in German.