For those exploring their sexuality, dating apps are still a lifeline

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Online dating apps are having their moment right now — and not in a good way. Between the great Bumble fumble of 2024 (which saw the once-popular app launch a series of insensitive commercials) and straight women going viral on TikTok for sharing their negative experiences on dating apps, there’s no shortage of criticism of the current state of digital courtship.

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But for those of us who identify as 2SLGBTQIA+, digital dating can be a much-needed lifeline. New data released by Tinder shows that for many 2SLGBTQIA+ people, who represent the fastest-growing group on the app globally, dating apps are generally seen as essential tools for growth, community building, and self-discovery within the broader queer community.

According to Tinder, 2 in 3 Canadian 2SLGBTQIA+ Tinder users (61%) ages 18-34 agreed that online platforms provide a comfortable space for app users to express their authentic sexuality and gender identity. Additionally, 2 in 3 Canadian 2SLGBTQIA+ users (69%) ages 18-34 agreed or strongly agreed that dating apps help them figure out what kind of people they like. While Tinder’s study focused on the 18-24 age group, much of this applies to me as a bisexual woman in her 40s.

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I’ll be the first to criticize dating apps, but when I came out as bisexual at age 37, dating apps offered me an easy way to enter the world of queer dating. I was too old for the bar scene, so meeting new people without spending a lot of money on overpriced, watered-down drinks seemed like a luxury.

I’m privileged to live in a part of the country where there are queer spaces and events that I can safely attend, but that’s not the case for everyone. Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Canadian relationship expert at Tinder, says dating apps can provide a place for connection and identity expression when none exists. “If you live in a community where you don’t feel safe coming out, connecting with people from other communities can help you explore your identity without fear of local exposure,” she says.

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Even if you have access to an in-person queer community, it can be difficult to know who to approach—especially if you’re baby queer. O’Reilly points out, “In a world where heterosexuality is the norm, queer people don’t always have the luxury of simply walking up to someone they’re interested in and flirting with them in real life. There’s no reliable way to know if someone is also queer, which can potentially lead to safety issues or identity rejection if the person being approached is homophobic,” O’Reilly says.

Dating apps, by their nature, offer their users a safe way to be sure that the person they’re approaching is also queer and is initially interested in them. “They also offer a way to explore and share preferences and interests without having to find the words to ‘come out,'” says O’Reilly.

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If you’re thinking about using dating apps to meet someone of a different gender than you normally date, know that you’re not alone. “Many people wait until later in life to date more openly and freely,” O’Reilly says.

According to O’Reilly, we’re in an age of discovery. “Eighty-six percent of participants in the recent Tinder survey are open to exploring beyond their previous dating preferences, suggesting they’re ready to commit to a connection they may not have previously considered. However, dating someone of the opposite sex for the first time can be exciting but also nerve-wracking,” she says.

No matter where you are in your coming out journey, O’Reilly encourages people to be open to learning new terminology as language, identity and labels evolve. “You’re likely to encounter people who use a wide range of terms to describe the layers of their identity, and you may discover new language and approaches that help you better define your own identity,” she says.

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Don’t make your behavior on dating apps entirely your business, though. While it may be your first time with someone of a different gender or sexuality, and you may be feeling tremendous pressure, excitement, or anxiety, don’t fetishize people or treat them like your personal Sherpa for all things queer. “You can certainly talk about how this is new to you and show curiosity; just don’t expect a date to be your only source of learning,” O’Reilly says.

Negative headlines aside, dating apps can be a tool for self-exploration when used purposefully. “Creating your profile requires self-reflection, so you can easily establish and customize what feels authentic to you.” Use dating apps to practice your communication skills, set boundaries, deal with rejection, and find what works best for you.

O’Reilly reminds us that “every interaction offers potential for exploration.”

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