9 things nobody tells you about sex after 70

Sex in the sixties, seventies and beyond is associated with many mysteries.

Search online and you’ll find countless threads in which curious young people ask if older people have sex at all, and if so, what it feels like. “What does it feel like?” others wonder. (Fine, we think? It’s still sex!)

The mystery surrounding sex in old age comes down to a combination of factors, according to Shannon Chavez, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist in Beverly Hills, California.

First, societal taboos and age-discriminatory attitudes have led to a marginalization of older adult sexuality. No one wants to imagine people their grandparents’ or parents’ age having sex, so we dismiss those thoughts. The result is limited discussions and portrayals of sex in later life. Just think of how few scenes we see in films and on television of older people having sex, and how often sex and Viagra over 50 become the butt of jokes for late-night comedians.

We’ll all get older eventually (hopefully), but because we’ve placed such a strong stigma on sex after 50, we’re ill-prepared for the realities, says Chavez.

“There is a lack of comprehensive sexuality education tailored to older age groups, which leaves many people uninformed about the changes and challenges they may face in their sexuality as they get older,” she told HuffPost.

“All of this leads to misunderstandings and curiosity about what sexual experiences look like later in life,” she said. “Overall, increased awareness, education and open dialogue about sex and aging can help to remove the mystery and promote healthier attitudes towards sexuality in older age groups.”

The encouraging reality is that AARP-aged people still have, enjoy, and crave sex even when they’re not in a relationship. According to a 2018 study, four in 10 people between the ages of 65 and 80 are still sexually active. from the National Poll on Healthy Aging. And whether they have an active sex life or not, nearly two-thirds of older adults said they are interested in sex. More than half said sex is important to their quality of life, according to the same study.

To shed some light on sex after 70, we asked sex therapists and people over 70 to share some things you should know about sex in your golden years. Read what they had to say below.

“I can only speak for my wife and me, but I believe one of the biggest things that isn’t talked about is the drive for sex and physical pleasure – to be desired, to be wanted, to have that feeling of giving and receiving both physically and emotionally – that never goes away. When we’re young, we don’t want to believe that old, flabby people still want sex. But we do. Physical attraction and satisfaction, communication, and personal hygiene are still important, even in our 70s.

“Of course, there are certain things that still need to be solved: erectile dysfunction, extreme dryness, pain and limited positions. But it’s great to live in a time when science has solved some of these problems with simple solutions. Medicines and creams for women and men, as well as physical exercises and therapies, make it possible to enjoy sex at this late stage. I understand that there are many people at this age who have debilitating diseases or physical limitations that make sex very difficult or even undesirable. And of course I respect that. But there are also many older people, even older than us, who still want and have sex.

“I think the biggest problem is the stigma of being old, grey hair, bald head, saggy breasts and buttocks, that means you no longer have a desire for sex. When we were in our 50s, we thought that if we were still alive in our 70s, that would be over. To our pleasant surprise, the opposite is true.” ― Frank, 76, lives in the Texas Panhandle and has been married for nearly 53 years

“I think the most surprising thing about sex after 70 for many people is that it has the potential to be better than ever. Many of my clients in their 70s (and 80s!) report that while the frequency of sex generally decreases with age, the quality increases. Sometimes this is related to what is known as sexual dysfunction, which leads them to discover new ways to achieve pleasure. For example, when penetration is painful or uncomfortable, they often learn to explore and enjoy pleasure with the whole body. Or when erection problems arise, many people eventually discover that hands, tongue, lips, toys and skin can lead to intense pleasure and orgasms in the absence of a penile erection.” – Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and host of the podcast “Sex With Dr. Jess”

“I have suffered from erectile dysfunction for over 20 years. My wife has never had an orgasm (with penis in vagina), but now she has at least two or three orgasms and often more. I guess you could call it advanced foreplay: I use my mouth, hands and legs to stimulate her. Then she stimulates me until I finish.” ― Norm, 71, Southeast Michigan

“Aging can cause physical changes that do not have to be barriers to sex. Aging naturally causes changes in physical well-being and mobility, such as arthritis, joint pain, or mobility limitations. These can be easily addressed by using products such as pillows for support, trying different sex positions that are less physically demanding, or using lubricants to reduce discomfort, which contribute to a more enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experience. Also, being open to experimentation and adapting to one’s body’s changing needs can help older adults continue to engage in pleasurable sexual activities. As we age, sex is less performative and more adaptable to experiences that provide pleasure and connection.” – Chavez

“Just because our bodies are worn out doesn’t mean our minds are worn out too. The spirit of adventure and imagination grow with experience. I may be different from other people, but I allow myself to explore and be interested in different activities more than I was in my youth. As you approach the end of your life, you realize that the rules aren’t that important anymore, even in bed. No one is going to give you a disapproving look and no one is going to stop you from doing something you want to do, and, honestly, who cares if they do?” ― David Daniel, a 70-year-old from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

“The aging process has a huge impact on sexual function and satisfaction. Additionally, we tend to have more health problems as we age, and many medications can affect sexual function. As we age, we often experience changes in our sexual behavior, our desire, what we find arousing, and our overall sexual well-being. Some of the biological changes we experience as we age involve hormones: When women reach middle age, they experience menopause. This happens because the body stops producing estrogen. Some of the consequences of reduced estrogen production include vaginal dryness, reduced moisture, and loss of elasticity in the vaginal tissue. This often leads to discomfort and even pain during intercourse. In some cases, there may be a decrease in nipple and clitoris sensitivity. The good news is that lubricants and longer-acting vaginal moisturizers can help.” – Rachel NeedlePsychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida, and co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institute

“Emotional connection and intimacy take priority and sex becomes conscious and more of an experience they have. It’s less about the sexual scripts and acts of sex and more about the kind of connection and closeness that can be gained through shared, mutually enjoyable experiences. The motivation for sex may be less about looking good, just satisfying your partner, or feeling like an obligation or task, but more about consciously feeling good together and enjoying the experience.” – Chavez

“Some data suggest that very few postmenopausal women experience frequent sexual desire. One study found that 24% never experience desire and 41% rarely experience desire after menopause. But 91% experience arousal (and desire). What we can learn from this is that you don’t have to feel spontaneous desire to enjoy sex; if you’re not in the mood, you can get yourself in the mood – with fantasy, conversation, touch and other forms of arousal.” – O’Reilly

“If Reddit and other online forums are to be believed, some people have sex multiple times a day. I told people on Reddit that we sleep together every Friday. We tell anyone who wants to see us on Friday that we are already engaged. Our family knows that Friday is our relaxed day and never bothers us. Could we have sex more often? Maybe, but it’s very tiring and we talk about it all the time to keep it exciting. Today is Wednesday, so it’s Friday night. Lots of hugs and kisses during the week just to be close to each other.” ― standard