Mariska Hargitay reveals she was raped in her 30s in powerful essay, speaks of ‘reckoning’

Mariska Hargitay is publicly sharing for the first time the full extent of her own experience with sexual assault.

The Law & Order: Special Victims Unit star, in her own words, recalled being raped in her 30s and the “reckoning” in the years that followed.

In a powerful first-person essay published Wednesday in People, Hargitay, who rose to prominence for her role as a survivor advocate alongside Capt. Olivia Benson during the lengthy police trial, opens up about being raped by a former friend and she finds it difficult to process what has happened to her.

“A man raped me in my thirties,” Hargitay, 59, opens the essay. “It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overwhelming control. He was a friend. Then he wasn’t anymore.”

The actress said she lost her body during the attack.

“I tried every option I could think of to get out of there. I tried to joke, to be charming, to set a boundary, to argue, to say no,” she wrote. “He grabbed me by the arms and held me tight. I was terrified.”

“I didn’t want it to escalate into violence. “I know now that it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid that he would become physically violent,” she continued. “I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no way to escape. I left my body.”

Hargitay struggled to process the attack. Delayed reactions to sexual violence often occur.

“I couldn’t believe it happened. That it could happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative,” said the producer and director. “I now have so much compassion for the part of me that made that decision, because that part kept me going. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive.”

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Hargitay has long been an advocate for victims of sexual assault. She found a voice on “SVU” by taking classes on trauma, founded her Joyful Heart Foundation to support survivors of assault and abuse, and won a news and documentary Emmy for her “I Am Evidence.” Rape Kit Backlog Elimination Project.

In one instance, during a speech for her foundation, the Emmy-winning actress specifically recalled how she was not a “survivor” and how she downplayed her own experiences.

“I was not untruthful; I didn’t think of myself that way,” she wrote. “I had occasionally spoken about what this person did to me, but I minimized it. My husband Peter remembers me saying, ‘I mean, it wasn’t rape.'”

Mariska Hargitay deals with bodily harm in “Reckoning”

Hargitay said her attitude toward the incident changed, and friends and family helped her see the attack for “what it was.”

“I started talking more seriously with those closest to me. They were the first to call it what it was,” she said. “They were gentle and kind and careful, but it was important to call them by their names.”

She continued: “‘This is what it means when someone rapes another person. So in your free time it might be useful to compare that with what was done to you.’ Then I had my own realization.

Hargitay points to the effects of trauma on the brain, which “breaks our minds and our memory. Just like a mirror breaks.”

Trauma affects our memory cognitively and emotionally and changes our understanding of the world, Emily Sachs, a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma, previously told USA TODAY.

Interpersonal traumas like rape are proven to be the most toxic in terms of the chemical reaction and also the way they change our meanings and expectations about the world and our relationships, Sachs said.

The Golden Globe-winning actress described her experiences with sexual abuse as “acquaintance rape.” According to the Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault, “acquaintance rape,” also known as “date rape,” is a sexual crime committed by someone the victim knows.

“Many people still think of rape as a man jumping out of the bushes,” Hargitay said. This was a friend who made a unilateral decision.”

Mariska Hargitay, “SVU” and finding strength with fans and survivors

Hargitay said the show’s fans have expressed how “SVU” has helped them and said it is an “immeasurable honor” to be part of fans’ lives in this way.

“Survivors who watched the show told me that I helped them and gave them strength. But they are the ones who have been a source of strength for me,” she said. “They experienced darkness and cruelty, a complete disregard for another human being, and they did what they needed to survive. We are strong and we will find a way through.”

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She also expressed her hope that survivors will not face shame and her determination to put an end to sexual violence.

“Sexual violence does not exist because of something immutable in our human existence, it exists because power structures are in place that allow it,” she wrote. “These power structures are so omnipresent that no one is immune from them.”

She continued, “They create thoughts like, ‘I must have done something to cause this.’ And our society agrees: “Yes, that’s your fault.” That’s wrong and that has to change.”

The actress also explains that justice for her would look like an apology from her unnamed abuser. “‘I’m sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I have no excuse.’ This is a start,” she wrote. “I don’t know what’s on the other side, and it won’t undo what happened, but I know it will play a role in how I deal with it.”

Hargitay, who turns 60 later this month, said she is “grateful” for where she is in her life despite this “painful part of my story.”

“It doesn’t define me nearly in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me,” she ends the essay. “I am renewed and full of compassion for all of us who have suffered. And I’m still proud of the process.”

If you are a victim of sexual assault, RAINN offers support through the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org).

Contributors: Alia E. Dastagir and Anika Reed

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Mariska Hargitay: ‘SVU’ star recalls rape in personal essay